Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Deion's Got a Girlfriend

           Some of you might be wondering what’s been going in my life since my last post. Well, folks, your boy’s found himself some sunshine. That’s right, I’m off the market. Ladies, please try and contain yourselves. I’m in love now and have been living the happy life of a boyfriend.    

But Deion, you’re the international lover-man! This can’t be your first serious relationship! What about the east coast girl you left the Bentley to twirl and the west coast shorties who push the chrome 740s? What about those pictures of you and Halle Berry coming out of La Quinta Inn? What about the rumored baby mamas you have in Punta Cana? Didn’t I see you leaving the U.S. Open with Serena Williams?

Listen, those were meaningless flings. Some of those stories were slander anyways. The results came back negative in Punta Cana. Conchita is just mad that I wouldn’t help her get a green card.

Anyways, yeah, I’m happy and in a relationship now. I can’t reveal her name or show a picture of her because her family is under a Witness Protection Program. She won’t tell me why. All I know is my family and I are in no danger.

We met on January 30th at a lemonade tasting. That night the Cavs played the Spurs and LeBron dominated with an effortless 29 points. It was a classic performance if you ask me. I guess you can say it was love at first sight. We both reached for the pitcher of strawberry lemonade and when we locked eyes it was magic. I’d rather not talk about our first date. All I’ll admit is that Applebee’s and Kanye were involved. I might have made every mistake in the book during the drive there. I may have had her burning up in the car because I didn’t know how to work my A/C, but we’ve moved past that! At least I had my seat belt on… I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about it but let me just say that our waiter, Thomas, was a pretty bad waiter. Folks, I’m not a hard customer to please. I only have three requests when it comes to waiters and waitresses at restaurants:

1. Try to lighten the mood.
2. Regularly check for refills.
3. Give recommendations and help me when I’m undecided on what to order.

Thomas did none of those three things. Everyone who knows me knows I’m an Applebee’s Man. I don’t even have to see the menu. I know what I’m going to get, a strawberry lemonade and a Quesadilla Burger. When I told Thomas my order I specifically said “strawberry lemonade.” He replied “Lemonade? Alright, got it,” and he walked away. Minutes later a woman hands me a regular lemonade. I contemplated going to the back and causing a scene. The only reason why I didn’t was because this was our first date and I didn’t want to reveal Thug Life Deion just yet. So I gritted my teeth and sipped on my regular lemonade. I was going to give Thomas a bad tip but nobody told me that women look to see how much a man tips! I was ready to give this man a quarter but before the pen touched the paper I looked up and saw her eyes locked in on the check. Thomas, if you’re reading this, thank Sunshine for the 15% gratuity you didn’t deserve. 

Sunshine and I went through some reeeeally humble beginnings. Nothing was more humbling for me than the night of March 3rd. That was the night of our second date and our first kiss. It was definitely a day that separated the boys from men. You see, not only am I a former international lover-man, but I’m also a gentleman. I let the women go first in everything, this includes kissing. Usually women are so overwhelmed by the rush of emotions I cause them to have and it makes them want to swallow me whole. This time around it was different. Remember that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the girl closed her eyes and the words “love you” were written on her eyelids? It was kind of like that. The signs were clear as day and I was just frozen.
Once she went back home I knew I made a huge mistake in not kissing her so I immediately scrambled to the drawing board to devise a plan. The plan was to tell her I forgot to give her something, show up to her place with some flowers and kiss her. The only problem was there was no place around that sold flowers after dark. Walgreens and CVS did not come through. I went around neighborhoods looking through lawns for anything slightly pretty. A frightened soccer mom called the police and her husband took it upon himself to wrestle me into a submission hold until the authorities came. After explaining my situation to the police and cursing out the husband in my head I decided to ditch the flowers and kiss her with no props.

The drive to her place was a long one. I didn’t listen to any music and I didn’t feel anything. There was no point in being nervous because this was something that I had to do. It took me a good twenty minutes to find her exact place because for some strange reason the building number and the apartment number aren’t correlated. In the process of finding her place I lost a shoe and got hit by someone backing out. When Sunshine and I finally met I looked like I had went through Hell. My clothes were wrinkled, I had one shoe and my hip was broken. I skipped the cliché banter and just went in. It was a peck, but a respectable one. I counted one and a half Mississippi’s in my head. I walked back to my car with a fist held in the air like Bender from The Breakfast Club
The kiss was a crucial moment because it was days before we parted ways for Spring Break. During that time we realized we really missed being around each other. She’s one of the few people in the world who I never get tired of being with.

So far I’ve learned that falling in love is a process. The first time I got bit by the love bug I didn’t know if it was real or just some rollover hormones from my early teens. But once I knew, I knew. I didn’t have the butterflies or anything you hear about in the movies. It wasn’t an epiphany. As a matter of fact, one text was all it took for me to know. I was about to go into work one morning when I received a text from her: “Hey, did you take my remote by accident?” I was smitten.

It took me a minute to tell her. I’m not gonna lie; I was nervous. I tried hinting at it with hopes that she’d pick up the signs and say it first so that I didn’t have to. But of course, that didn’t fly, so I finally declared it while we were watching Along Came Polly. There was a brief pause before she said it back and when she did I swear I heard a million trumpets sound. I couldn’t tell if it was from the movie or if it was the orchestra of angels playing in my head. Either way it was a magical moment.

Being with her has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. My peoples are telling me that I have a “glow” now. I haven’t noticed it, but I’m sure it’s true. Love songs are starting to make sense to me now. You know that song “For Once in My Life” by Stevie Wonder? That’s how she makes me feel every day. I love you, Sunshine. Here’s to a long relationship filled with happiness and stolen remotes.