What a Time to Be a Cynic

Have I become a crotchety old coot? Am I officially a hip hop snub? I don’t understand the hype with this mixtape. Yesterday, Future and Drake released their highly anticipated collaborative project What a Time to Be Alive. This collab got the hypebeasts working overtime since the picture of the OVO owl drenched in dirty sprite—which should’ve been the cover art instead of that ridiculously lazy stock image rip-off of Watch the Throne—went viral.

If you were to go on Twitter or Google right now, you’d see a majority of people foaming out of their mouths in hysteric support of this mixtape. Even LeBron James endorsed it on his Instagram. It appears that the few who share the same thoughts as me have been drowned out. Well, hopefully this allows their voices to be heard. In my most humble opinion, this mixtape is not good.

           WATTBA sounds like Drake and Future had a sleepover, pulled an all-nighter in the studio and released everything they made. Knowing wholeheartedly that people will lose their minds over it no matter how it sounds. This isn’t even good on mixtape standards. In this day and age when the line between mixtapes and albums is blurred, this doesn’t matchup to an Acid Rap or Cilvia EP Demo. I don’t care that they made this in six days. We’re still getting charged $10 for this. Four more dollars than days it took to make this. Does anybody else see what’s wrong with this?

               

            Some of you might already know my thoughts on Drake. He’s a great rapper, definitely a titan, but I can’t call him a legend. It’s hard for me to bow in respect to a guy who made his own lane, stuck to it, and only battles those who he knows he can defeat. And let’s not forget his disgustingly obnoxious fans. Drake fans have easily beaten Eminem fans in being the most annoying fans in recent hip hop history. Drake can say he’s better than Pac and his OVOverly sycophantic fandom will run with it.

I’m not a Future fan or a hater. To tell you the truth, I didn’t think he was going to last two years when I first saw his “Same Damn Time” music video at the barbershop. I don’t understand where and how he became a rockstar. Maybe it’s because I’m not about that “Trap N_gga” lifestyle nor do I aspire to be. I see Future for what he is, a trap rapper. There isn’t much depth that comes with it so I never expect anything from him. Even though I don’t have any expectations for Future, I hoped that he would at least try to step up and compete against Drake in this project. Instead, he respectfully did his own thing, making sure to compliment Drake and not step on his toes. Drake used Future’s flow and did it better than him not once but on various occasions like “I’m the Plug” and “Plastic Bag.”

Tell me something, why is it that Kanye with his jaw wired shut, 50 Cent who got shot in the cheek, and Consequence who has at least 50 teeth in his mouth all sound clearer than Future? Let’s be honest, this man either mumbles or repeats the same thing over and over when he runs out of simplistic, drug dealer galore things to say. Does this guy have halitosis or something? Why can’t he open his mouth? It’s not just him, Young Thug and one of, if not all, the members of Migos use this tactic as a crutch.

People criticized Kanye and Jay-Z when Watch the Throne came out. They said that taking pre-orders before an official release date was announced, and the title itself were arrogant. Watch the Throne is a way more justifiable title than What a Time to Be Alive. Is this a time to be alive because of all the progress our society has made in battling racism and sexism? Is it a time to be alive because hip hop has seen its best year in recent history? No, it’s a time to be alive because Drake and Future can do something in six days, slap a price tag on it and reap the benefits.

How come nothing substantial has yet to “break the internet?” Some of you might be annoyed that I didn’t do an in-depth review of this. There’s nothing to look at. This is bump in the whip music at best. I can barely get jiggy to this. I can’t take anything away from this and reflect on it years down the road. Not Drake’s supposed subliminal Rihanna diss on “Diamonds Dancing,” not Drake’s “30 for 30 freestyle” which even that was mediocre, and especially not Drake’s line in “Jumpman:”  

“Jumpman jumpman jumpman them boys up to something/ Uh, uh, uh I think I need some Robitussin”

Man, that was terrible. What’s worse is that line is going to be shouted by millions of club goers and concert attendees in the near future. “Big Rings” may not be as repetitive as “Worst Behavior” but it’s more annoying and unimaginative. Hyped up and rushed productions should not be released. That goes for all types of art. Regardless of whether this project was supposed to be anything more than 11 bangers, I can’t get behind this. Not with all the hype that surrounds it. If this goes platinum, it won’t be a good statement for hip hop. Maybe it’s best for titans not to collaborate. Maybe hip hop is meant to be strictly competitive 24/7. Or maybe Kendrick Lamar and J. Cole need to work on their collaboration to show us how it’s done. 

Thirst Responsibly: Finessing on Social Media in the 21st Century with ThatDude

Special thanks to Andre Bolourian for his classic "The Squeakquel: Why Twitter Sucks Now." This post wouldn't exist if it weren't for you and Taleen. Much love.

With all of the websites and apps out there, a brother is still having a hard time finding love, sisters too. Facebook, Twitter and other social media have made the world a smaller and creepier place. Gone are the days when being followed was a bad thing; now it’s all the rage. With everyone getting more close and personal, flirting has evolved. Think about it, 20 years ago, people had crushes on people within 10 miles of them, with an exception for celebrities. Today, we can be mesmerized by someone who lives on the other side of the world.  

 
Now that we don’t have to watch TV or go outside to find beautiful people, flirting or finessing can be achieved with the click of a button. But, thanks to sex offenders and creepy, unwed men (sometimes even wed), finessing on social media is damn near mission impossible. 

Maybe it’s best. It’d be weird being at a wedding and hearing the first words in a “How we met” story be “One day I was on Instagram...”

Too many times has a poor, unfortunate soul committed one of the Seven Deadly Sins of Thirsting. To be frank, it hasn’t been looking promising for us, fellas. Our dignity, for the most part is nonexistent. Our self-respect and respect for women has been traded in for gutsy catcalls that we wouldn't say in public. You saw the screenshots, this is not who our mothers raised us to be. This is what some women think of us:

It’s time we change how we play the game. ThatDude from ThatDude Sports Page and I are here to shed light on the subject. We are not masters ourselves in this newfound art, but we’ve been around long enough to know how the game is played. These are simply the basics.

The Seven Deadly Sins

Lust- There are a few things that go above the call of duty of thirsting. The biggest one is PremiumSnaps. PremiumSnaps is an app identical to Snapchat, but the photos and videos are exclusive to those who pay to see them. It’s supposed to be some kind of Snapchat XXX or Snap After Dark type thing, but essentially it’s the equivalent of paying for porn. (And not hardcore porn neither. It’s that striptease stuff that NOBODY gets off to.) At most, you'll be lucky to catch a millisecond nip-slip that you cannot screenshot. Gentlemen, it simply is a no-no. Guys who use PremiumSnaps are the type who get hammered off of wine coolers. They are the same type to text a girl asking for a picture of her feet. It’s one thing to thirst, but when your bank account gets involved, it’s gone too far. A PremiumSnap membership can cost as much as $25 a month and with that you get selfies of the model asking you for more money. If you don’t believe us, see for yourself: 

The thing is, why use PremiumSnaps or Chat Star when a small bottle of lotion runs about $3 and the Hub is always free? Yeah, you’re saving a lot more with option #2.

Gluttony- This goes out to the guys who compliment a woman, get her attention, and try to make a conversation out of it. Fellas, understand that you have a 12 second window of acknowledgement. If you’re compliment gets noticed and she responds with a “thanks” or kissy face emoticon, move on. Don’t say “you’re welcome,” don’t say “I really mean it,” and DO NOT add another compliment (I cannot stress that enough). This same rule applies in real life conversation. You cannot douse a woman in compliments. Eventually, she’s going to want to be left alone and wish she never met you. If you want to celebrate her response, do so in private. Don’t make mountains out of mole hills. Once she hits enter, she deletes any memory of who you are. Believe it or not, a retweet, a favorite and a like are impersonal as fuck.

Greed- We all know about this little game people like to play called “I follow you, you follow back and then I unfollow you to get my followers up and keep my ratio high.” Guys play it, girls play it. We’re privy to this greedy game.

We want all these followers so that we can feel important and say “Oh, people really care about my life, just look at my followers!” But we don’t want to hand out any follows. Well, let me tell you something, unless you’re famous and/or are doing something that’s grabbing society’s attention, you’re not going to have a ridiculous amount of followers. We all can’t be Michelle Obama with 2.2 million followers and only follow 6. First, it just doesn’t work like that and second, if it did, then Instagram (IG) wouldn’t work. It’d just be a clusterfuck of people playing chicken, afraid to follow anyone. Don’t be greedy. If you’re going to follow someone, do it because you want to and not so that you can unfollow them once they scratch your back. People do you the favor of following you back because it’s the honorable thing to do. They didn’t seek you out. They didn’t ask to follow you… you asked to follow them. Stick with your decision and don’t be a little bitch. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Sloth- As stated above, most people are fussy about their following to followers ratio. It looks good for someone to have more followers than they are following and looks bad if it’s the other way around. Most people have the latter, so there’s an invisible threshold for the amount of accounts one can follow that exceed that person’s followers before said person reaches the Danger Zone. For example, on IG I have 208 followers and I am following 238 accounts. An even +30 following. I’d say the threshold is around 50. Once you follow over 50 more accounts than you have following you, it starts to taint your social media image. We’re aware that this all sounds superficial, immature and idiotic. We didn’t make the rules, we just abide by them. With that being said, most of the accounts that leave sexually harassing comments are the ones with a handful of followers, yet follow everybody and their grandmothers.

How does this relate to Sloth you might ask? Because if you’re gonna be a serial thirst offender, gosh darnit, do it right! Cover your tracks, you sloppy pervert! Assume an identity at least. Following an exponential amount of accounts says you’re more interested in the world than it is in you. It means you’re that person who clings to a group of friends like lint and you think they like you, but they either don’t notice you or don’t care to get you off their shirt. It also says that your sole use of social media is to lurk on attractive people and implicitly tell them “I feverishly wank to your pictures.” All I'm saying is, if you put the effort in typing these disgusting comments and tweets, put half of it into getting your followers up.  

Wrath- As some of you may know, a year ago, I made a video in which I asked a model out to Prom. She couldn’t go for B.S. reasons I won’t specify (she had to celebrate her birthday for a whole week, while Jesus Christ gets one day.) But she was nice enough to shout me out on her IG and follow me. Needless to say, it made my day. During the entire month that she followed me I would look at it, smile and dance. Only to find out a month later that she unfollowed me for NO reason. She actually went out of her way to go onto my IG page, hit the unfollow button, and then hit “yes” when asked if she was sure that she wanted to because my account is on private. I was distraught and infuriated and it ruined my night. Moral of the story is don’t ask a model to Prom. I’m kidding. No I’m not. 

The other moral is don’t take a follow/unfollow seriously. (Unless it’s for a really good reason which I had.) If a woman follows you and she decides to change her mind, don’t get angry and send her mean tweets or rude messages. It makes you look immature and she might put you on blast. Don’t look at a cute chick following you as an invitation to her DM. Don’t be Greg from “Everybody Hates Chris.” You’re not “totally in there” just because she followed you. She could be interested, but don’t get your hopes up. She and her friends probably saw your avi and thought you looked cute but didn’t like the rest of your pictures. It’s not that serious.

Envy- Go to any IG account of a female model and you’re bound to see comments like “Slut,” “You’re not even all that,” “Put some clothes on. . .” the list goes on and on. They claim that they’re speaking the truth, but to most of the world, it’s a self-righteous scream saying “Look at me! I’m more than my T and A! I want some attention too!!!” There’s just no need for any of it. They aren’t posting for your approval, nor do most care. Just do what that kindergarten teacher of yours said: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all.” If you enjoy the picture, double tap. If you don’t, keep scrolling. Either keep it to yourself or rant to your best-friend about how “That bitch Stephanie wore high-waisted shorts that showed way too much ass on IG.” Nobody needs to see these petty arguments happen. 

And speaking of pettiness… It’s human nature to see an attractive person and get angered when that person’s significant other looks like a troglodyte. With that being said, if you’re following a model who has a boyfriend or girlfriend who looks way out of that person’s league, don’t get salty to the point where you become genuinely upset. Look at it as inspiration. Instead of thinking “How could (s)he be with HIM/HER?!” Think “If (s)he’s dating him/her, then I definitely have a shot!” There’s somebody out there for you who’s more beautiful and compatible with you than whoever you gawk at on your phone.

Pride- Recently, I was encountered with a new phenomena of “meet and greets” by social media celebrities. I haven’t gone to witness firsthand, but what I saw on snapchat was unacceptable! Grown ass men singing opera while holding out a rose and other actions to proclaim their “love.” Now, on most occasions, I would applaud a man going all out to make their significant other feel special, but this is a different instance. People are doing it for women that A) They’ve never met before, B) Have no idea who they are outside social media and C) Chances are won’t speak/see again. It’s gone too far. It’s one thing to thirst, but have some pride and dignity, dammit. With the way some fans worship models, you would’ve thought that they cured cancer.

Deion here. I’m going to have respectfully disagree with you, Dude. While it’s true that a lot of fans take their appreciation too far, there’s nothing wrong with a meet and greet. It allows people to meet the objects of their desire. You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to meet CarlyRbel if she were in town?

What has she done that’s so significant and important that I should go out of my way to meet her? I appreciate her taking photos and I find her gorgeous, but taking a selfie and posting it on Snapchat is nothing to fawn over.

So if Giancarlo Stanton were in your neighborhood, you wouldn’t drop what you’re doing to see him?

Giancarlo actually puts genuine effort into his craft. If he stopped working as hard as he did, he wouldn’t be as successful as he is. So yes, I would meet him. I’m sorry if I don’t consider snapchatting an artform.

So you’re telling me that you’d rather meet a hardworking man than a beautiful woman?

I’m trying to become a successful individual. Unfortunately for me, I’m too ugly to get success by being pretty and having no particular talent.

So it’s about advice and motivation, I see. I still think you’re crazy, but I get you. Personally I’d meet LeBron over Dolly Castro any given day. But if it were Josh McRoberts vs the really fine woman in gray leggings who showed up at my work today, I’m meeting her.   

If I had to choose between meeting Josh McRoberts and Carly, I would choose Carly. However, to be fair, if it were up to me I’ll just stay home.

Woooooowww there’s no winning with you. Okay, Dude. Stay home and double tap on her pictures whilst passing on the opportunity to shake Carly’s hand and give her a Christian side hug. Be my guest, and hers.

Aight.

A Moment of Reflection with Deion A. Sainvil

I’ve done some unspeakable things in my past. Things I’m not proud of. I’d be a liar if I said that I never committed any of these sins. Besides the Greed and Sloth ones, I’ve committed them all. I’ve had my fair share of Tinder failures and rejections in the DM.

But I’ve also had my fair share of success.

My successful slide into Demi Rose's DM

I have credibility with this stuff. I’ve seen the game, I’ve watched it unfold. Day in and day out, I see things that make me smile and I see things that me squint. ThatDude and I aren’t some geezers or culture vulture, loudmouth wiseasses who think we’re better than anyone. We’re two guys who are products of our culture but are able to see through the B.S.

And now back to the post...

Nice Guys vs The Guys Who Get the Girl

To get back to the 12 second window thing, acknowledgement is fun and educational. There are two kinds of guys in this situation: The Nice Guy and the Guy Who Gets the Girl. I don’t mean "gets the girl" as in he finesses his way into dinner and a movie with her. I mean from the comments made you can tell who would actually woo the girl if the interaction were face to face.  

It’s easy to tell who’s who, just look at the girls response. If it’s a politely robotic “Aww” or “Thank you,” buddy was the Nice Guy. Anything outside of that that isn’t malicious, means buddy has a better chance than the Nice Guy.

Nice Guy who should've taken the acknowledgement and went home.

Guy Who Would've Gotten the Girl
(she favorited his tweet btw)

In my social media career, I’ve always been the Nice Guy. I AM the Nice Guy, I can’t change that. I thought it would be beneficial for you to know who’s who. Fellas, think about this before you send that tweet or comment. Do you want to make her smile and possibly be remembered, or do you want to be another number? They say nice guys finish last, but in social media, nice guys were never in the race.  

Dedication

There are many women and young girls on social media who aren’t models, actresses or singers. They are regular citizens who have thousands of followers solely because of their looks. They don’t even need to post provocative pictures, they can get over 100 likes easily with a photo of their dinner.

Here’s an easy way to distinguish models from regular people, if they don’t have booking information or a link to their website on their personal page, they’re average citizens.

This summer I was scrolling through my Twitter timeline and I saw a collage of a girl’s glo-up challenge. (Glo-up is slang for the transformation from Ugly Duckling to Beautiful Swan) Usually I see a Glo-up and I go “Huh, yeah she sure is a looker now!” But this one in particular changed my life. It wasn’t the transformation that captivated me. It was the girl.  

I have never seen a more beautiful girl in my life. I felt like I struck an oil rig, I discovered gold. Since I’ve discovered this girl I started eating right, my cholesterol is back to normal and I’ve lost 10 lbs. And it’s all thanks to you. In short, Taleen, you make me smile. You were the inspiration behind this post. If you’re reading this, just know, you are appreciated. Happy birthday.  

From, 
Deion and ThatDude (But mostly Deion)