Some
of you might be wondering what’s been going in my life since my last post.
Well, folks, your boy’s found himself some sunshine. That’s right, I’m off the
market. Ladies, please try and contain yourselves. I’m in love now and have
been living the happy life of a boyfriend.
But Deion, you’re the international lover-man! This
can’t be your first serious relationship! What about the east coast girl you
left the Bentley to twirl and the west coast shorties who push the chrome 740s?
What about those pictures of you and Halle Berry coming out of La Quinta Inn? What
about the rumored baby mamas you have in Punta Cana? Didn’t I see you leaving
the U.S. Open with Serena Williams?
Listen,
those were meaningless flings. Some of those stories were slander anyways. The
results came back negative in Punta Cana. Conchita is just mad that I wouldn’t
help her get a green card.
Anyways,
yeah, I’m happy and in a relationship now. I can’t reveal her name or show a
picture of her because her family is under a Witness Protection Program. She
won’t tell me why. All I know is my family and I are in no danger.
We
met on January 30th at a lemonade tasting. That night the Cavs played the Spurs
and LeBron dominated with an effortless 29 points. It was a classic performance
if you ask me. I guess you can say it was love at first sight. We both reached
for the pitcher of strawberry lemonade and when we locked eyes it was magic.
I’d rather not talk about our first date. All I’ll admit is that Applebee’s and
Kanye were involved. I might have made every mistake in the book during the
drive there. I may have had her burning up in the car because I didn’t know how
to work my A/C, but we’ve moved past that! At least I had my seat belt on… I
know I said I wasn’t going to talk about it but let me just say that our
waiter, Thomas, was a pretty bad waiter. Folks, I’m not a hard customer to
please. I only have three requests when it comes to waiters and waitresses at
restaurants:
1. Try to lighten the mood.
2. Regularly check for refills.
3. Give recommendations and help me when I’m undecided on what to order.
Thomas
did none of those three things. Everyone who knows me knows I’m an Applebee’s
Man. I don’t even have to see the menu. I know what I’m going to get, a strawberry
lemonade and a Quesadilla Burger. When I told Thomas my order I specifically
said “strawberry lemonade.” He replied “Lemonade? Alright, got it,” and he
walked away. Minutes later a woman hands me a regular lemonade. I contemplated
going to the back and causing a scene. The only reason why I didn’t was because
this was our first date and I didn’t want to reveal Thug Life Deion just yet.
So I gritted my teeth and sipped on my regular lemonade. I was going to give
Thomas a bad tip but nobody told me that women look to see how much a man tips!
I was ready to give this man a quarter but before the pen touched the paper I
looked up and saw her eyes locked in on the check. Thomas, if you’re reading
this, thank Sunshine for the 15% gratuity you didn’t deserve.
Sunshine
and I went through some reeeeally humble beginnings. Nothing was more humbling for me than the night of March 3rd. That was the night of our second
date and our first kiss. It was definitely a day that separated the boys from
men. You see, not only am I a former international lover-man, but I’m also a
gentleman. I let the women go first in everything, this includes kissing.
Usually women are so overwhelmed by the rush of emotions I cause them to have
and it makes them want to swallow me whole. This time around it was different.
Remember that scene in Raiders of the
Lost Ark when the girl closed her eyes and the words “love you” were
written on her eyelids? It was kind of like that. The signs were clear as day
and I was just frozen.
Once
she went back home I knew I made a huge mistake in not kissing her so I
immediately scrambled to the drawing board to devise a plan. The plan was to
tell her I forgot to give her something, show up to her place with some flowers
and kiss her. The only problem was there was no place around that sold flowers after
dark. Walgreens and CVS did not come through. I went around neighborhoods
looking through lawns for anything slightly pretty. A frightened soccer mom
called the police and her husband took it upon himself to wrestle me into a
submission hold until the authorities came. After explaining my situation to
the police and cursing out the husband in my head I decided to ditch the
flowers and kiss her with no props.
The
drive to her place was a long one. I didn’t listen to any music and I didn’t
feel anything. There was no point in being nervous because this was something
that I had to do. It took me a good twenty minutes to find her exact place
because for some strange reason the building number and the apartment number
aren’t correlated. In the process of finding her place I lost a shoe and got
hit by someone backing out. When Sunshine and I finally met I looked like I had
went through Hell. My clothes were wrinkled, I had one shoe and my hip was
broken. I skipped the cliché banter and just went in. It was a peck, but a
respectable one. I counted one and a half Mississippi’s in my head. I walked
back to my car with a fist held in the air like Bender from The Breakfast Club.
The
kiss was a crucial moment because it was days before we parted ways for Spring
Break. During that time we realized we really missed being around each other.
She’s one of the few people in the world who I never get tired of being with.
So
far I’ve learned that falling in love is a process. The first time I got bit by
the love bug I didn’t know if it was real or just some rollover hormones from
my early teens. But once I knew, I knew. I didn’t have the butterflies or anything
you hear about in the movies. It wasn’t an epiphany. As a matter of fact, one
text was all it took for me to know. I was about to go into work one morning
when I received a text from her: “Hey, did you take my remote by accident?” I
was smitten.
It
took me a minute to tell her. I’m not gonna lie; I was nervous. I tried hinting
at it with hopes that she’d pick up the signs and say it first so that I didn’t
have to. But of course, that didn’t fly, so I finally declared it while we were
watching Along Came Polly. There was
a brief pause before she said it back and when she did I swear I heard a
million trumpets sound. I couldn’t tell if it was from the movie or if it was
the orchestra of angels playing in my head. Either way it was a magical moment.
Being
with her has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. My peoples are telling me
that I have a “glow” now. I haven’t noticed it, but I’m sure it’s true. Love
songs are starting to make sense to me now. You know that song “For Once in My
Life” by Stevie Wonder? That’s how she makes me feel every day. I love you,
Sunshine. Here’s to a long relationship filled with happiness and stolen
remotes.
