Where you been? LaVar Ball and LeBron save Christmas

Hello, it's been nearly six months since we last spoke. And I know you think I'm going to apologize and say it won't happen again and that I'm gonna be a changed man and you're gonna be all like "yeah, yeah, we've been here before, Deion. You ain't sh-t and we all know." Well, since we all know what's going to happen, let's skip to the part where I win you back and do everything I can to regain your trust.

In all seriousness, if my absence affected you, I'm sorry. 

Where have I been, you ask? I've been hustling. Trying to finish my senior year strong so the announcer can say that I graduated with honors as I Crip Walk across the stage. Trying to make sure my staff exceeds their own expectations and develop as better writers and people every week. Trying to be a better boyfriend and ward off any Rico-Suave-Nupe-Tool-Kappa-Douchebag lightskin dude who thinks he can shoot his shot because me and Sunshine are long distance. 

Love you, babe.

I'm also trying to keep my sanity while I make 10 page lesson plans that every teacher I encounter looks at for one second then shakes her head and deems "a waste of time." I'm trying to write these scripts so that a Hollywood producer, Issa Rae or both reach out to me and give me an opportunity to leave this place behind and live out my dreams as a screenwriter for TV and film. Maybe that way I can have more in common with Kanye, us being college dropouts and all, and when I meet him I don't have to just blurt out a bunch of  "remember when you's" like Chris Farley on SNL. 

Speaking of Kanye, I'm also trying to meet Rob Haze and Sir Chris Daniels and get on The Book of Ye Podcast because that's been a goal of mine since the beginning of last month and I believe I'm pretty close to making it happen. Also, I'm sure one of them plays 2K, so if we could get a game in, that'd be fresh too.

We have a lot of catching up to do; and we will, trust me. But for now. It's December and Christmas is 20 days away. With all the craziness going on with school, work and the future, the one thing that keeps me sane is writing. And since the holiday season is in full swing, I figure I write something pertaining to the holidays.

Here's a scene from a Christmas special I'm working on titled "The Smurf and Smiley Christmas Special" it's based on a book I wrote with my good friend in middle school. Let me know what you think, and more importantly, happy holidays.

THE SMURF AND SMILEY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

written by

Deion A. Sainvil

EXT. BIG BALLER WONDERLAND

     Picture a Winter Wonderland with Triple B's on all of the
     ornaments hanging from trees and Triple B's branded on the
     trees as well.

     SMILEY (10, black kid with striped shirt and Atlanta Braves
     cap) treads through the snow not knowing where he is or how
     he got here.

     As he walks past three snowmen shaped like Lonzo, LiAngelo
     and LaMelo he hears the light trotting of REINDEER.

     Smiley turns and sees a sleigh being lead by reindeer, all
     wearing Big Baller Brand stocking caps.

     Manning the sleigh is none other than LaVar Ball himself who
     is also wearing a BBB stocking cap and purple and gold BBB
     sweats.

     The reindeer continue to trot ahead of Smiley as the sleigh
     matches speed alongside Smiley.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Well hey there, Smiley! Nice of you
               to stop by during the holidays!

                          SMILEY
               LaVar Ball?!

                          LAVAR BALL
               Well it ain't Santa Claus!

                          SMILEY
               What are you doing here?

                          LAVAR BALL
               That's a question I should be
               asking you. This here is my holiday
               estate. My, Big Baller Wonderland,
               if you will

                          SMILEY
               What is this place?

                          LAVAR BALL
               I just told you what it is! Now,
               are you gonna hop in or keeping
               freezing your butt off walking in
               all this snow?

     Smiley accepts Lavar's invitation. Lavar is all smiles as
     they ride along.

                          SMILEY
               Where are we going?

                          LAVAR BALL
               Don't worry, we'll be someplace
               warm. But that's not why you're
               here though

                          SMILEY
               It isn't?

                          LAVAR BALL
               Word on the street is you and your
               old man got into it on account of
               the ZO2s.

                          SMILEY
                    (looking down)
               Yeah, I wanted a pair for
               Christmas, but he won't buy them

                          LAVAR BALL
               And why is that?

                          SMILEY
               Because they're too expensive

                          LAVAR BALL
               Yeah them ZO2s do cost a pretty
               penny. Trust me, I would know

                          SMILEY
               But I told him I didn't want
               anything else except for those and
               he doesn't even have to get me
               anything for my birthday either. My
               birthday's in June! I'm sacrificing
               6 months of gifts for one pair of
               shoes!!

                          LAVAR BALL
               Sounds like he wasn't too
               interested in your proposal

                          SMILEY
               It's not fair! All I want for
               Christmas is to be a Big Baller and
               my dad won't let that happen. I
               told him I'll buy the shoes myself
               and won't get him anything.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Naw, naw, that's not ALL that you
               said

                          SMILEY
               What?

                          LAVAR BALL
               What else did you say? C'mon,
               finish the story

                          SMILEY
               I told him 'thanks for ruining my
               Christmas' and I walked away.

                          LAVAR BALL
               And do you think that was a nice
               thing to say?

                          SMILEY
               I mean, no, but it wasn't that bad.
               Kids say worse things to their
               parents all the time.

                          LAVAR BALL
               That may be true, but I'll tell you
               one thing, if any of my boys ever
               told me that they'd be getting
               busted lips for Christmas. And
               that's a gift they'd get early!
               Mhmm whoopings all around! The Big
               Baller Belt will be the gift that
               keeps on giving!

                          SMILEY
               So is that why I'm here?

                          LAVAR BALL
               Smiley, what you said to your
               father was uncool and
               disrespectful. And we don't do
               either of those here. See, a part
               of the Big Baller Brand and being a
               Big Baller isn't just the apparel,
               it's the attitude as well.

                          SMILEY
               I never knew it was that deep.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Of course it is! Those Triple B's
               stand for something! It ain't just
               a logo like a Crocodile, or a man
               on a pony and all those other
               brands I can't say because of
               copyright. The Triple B's exhibit
               character, and the true meaning of
               Christmas

                          SMILEY
               The birth of Jesus?

                          LAVAR BALL
                    (reconsidering)
               Okay... one of the true meanings of
               Christmas. You're going to learn,
               what being a Big Baller is really
               all about.

     They arrive at a luxurious log cabin.

     LaVar hops out of the sleigh and frees the reindeer to take
     them to the stable.

                          SMILEY
               Where are we?

                          LAVAR BALL
               I told you we're going somewhere
               warm. Go on inside, I gotta take
               care of these reindeer.


     INT. BIG BALLER TRAINING FACILITY

     Smiley walks in to a hallway with purple and gold marble
     floors and large portraits of the Ball brothers in action and
     occasional portraits of LaVar in Red Auerbach fashion, cigar
     and all.

     The thuds of a basketball can be heard in a nearby court.


     INT. BASKETBALL COURTS

     Smiley walks further inside to see double doors wide open
     revealing LONZO BALL getting shots up.

     Smiley stands with his mouth agape at the sight of him before
     entering.

                          SMILEY
               Oh my gosh, you're Lonzo Ball!

                          LONZO
               Yeah, can you rebound for me?

                          SMILEY
               Of course I can! Are you here by
               yourself? Where's LaMelo? He's my
               second favorite.. Is Denise around?

                          LONZO
                    (still shooting)
               Denise isn't here.

                          SMILEY
               Well, is she going to be here soon?
               I can freshen up if you show me
               where the bathroom is

                          LONZO
               She's not coming

                          SMILEY
               Well where is she?

                          LONZO
               She's where she's at. Don't worry
               about it.

                          SMILEY
               Understood.

     Lonzo swishes a shot and Smiley jogs to retrieve it and
     throws a chest pass to Lonzo.

                          SMILEY (CONT’D)
               Hey, while I'm here, do you think
               you could show me how to do that
               pass where you like flick the ball
               all the way across the court?

     LaVar strides onto the court the way he did on that one
     episode of First Take which is now a popular GIF/meme.

     Lonzo stops shooting and pays attention.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Now, where was I? Ah yes, the true
               meaning of Christmas! Now Smiley,
               you weren't wrong when you
               mentioned Baby Jesus, but I was
               thinking on more of a personal
               scale. Something that you can
               better identify with?

                          SMILEY
               What's that?

                          LAVAR BALL
               Basketball!

                          SMILEY
               Basketball? What's that got to do
               with the meaning of Christmas?

                          LAVAR BALL
               I'm glad you asked! Look at Lonzo,
               every time you watch him play,
               you're seeing the true meaning of
               Christmas in motion.

                          SMILEY
               Uh.. Okay, I don't get it.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Giving. Sacrifice. Putting others
               before yourself. Lonzo is an assist
               machine. There isn't a rookie who
               gets more dimes than him. You see
               it. The flashy passes, the flick
               passes across the court, nobody's
               doing it like Lonzo! In doing this
               he makes his teammates better
               because he puts them first. Lonzo
               could get 50 a night if he wasn't
               passing so much, but he knows it's
               more important to share the wealth
               and get everybody else involved

                          SMILEY
               Lonzo can't average 50 a night with
               that shot.

                          LONZO
                    (sucks teeth)
               Tighten up.

                          SMILEY
               I'm just saying..

                          LAVAR BALL
               We ain't even on that. Look, the
               point is Lonzo places his teammates
               scoring above his. Why? Because
               it's what the team needs. Jesus was
               born to assist all of us and die
               for our sins. Which is the ultimate
               sacrifice.

                          SMILEY
               Oh I get it! So if Lonzo is Jesus,
               then that means you're God!

     LaVar pauses, uncertain whether Smiley is serious.

                          SMILEY (CONT’D)
               Ha ha, that was a joke. Wow, tough
               crowd. I get it though, when I was
               mad about my dad not buying the
               ZO2s, I was only thinking about
               myself. I didn't think about my
               sister, mom or grandma and how
               buying those shoes would affect
               them. I never even thought of what
               I should get them and they've
               always given me a gift. I need to
               think about the ones I love more
               than I think about me, because they
               do that for me every day.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Now you got it! You see, Smiley, to
               be a Big Baller means making the
               right sacrifices.

                          LEBRON JAMES (O.S.)
               And making the right sacrifices is
               what being a great baller is all
               about.

     Smiley, Lonzo and LaVar look around to see where that voice
     came from. LEBRON JAMES appears from the bleachers.

                          SMILEY
               OH MY GOSH, LEBRON JAMES!

                          LEBRON JAMES
               What's happening, Smiley! I heard
               you needed to learn about the true
               meaning of Christmas

                          LAVAR BALL
               Yeah, well you're about 10 minutes
               too late for that, Bron Bron. I'm
               already wrapping up this after
               school special

                          LONZO
               How did you get here?

                          LEBRON JAMES
               I drove. Anyways, Smiley, in
               addition to being an all-around
               dominant player, I pride myself
               most in being able to facilitate
               and make my teammates better.
               Because I've always believed that
               it's better to give than receive.
               And that's the true meaning of
               Christmas

                          SMILEY
               Wow, thanks, LeBron!

                          LONZO
               That's basically what my dad just
               said.

                          LEBRON JAMES
               Yeah, but it doesn't hurt to have a
               second voice on the matter.

                          LAVAR BALL
               That wasn't no second voice, that
               was an echo! Why are you even
               here?! I told you I had this
               covered.

                          LEBRON JAMES
               Well, Smiley needs to learn life
               lessons from his favorite player.

                          LAVAR BALL
               He already got life lessons from
               his favorite rookie

                          SMILEY
               Actually, Lonzo didn't talk much

                          LAVAR BALL
               Lonzo don't got to say nothing!
               Just sit back and watch him work!
                    (to LeBron)
               Why don't you take whatever car you
               drove here on and head back to
               Ohio. Teach your boys some life
               lessons.

     LeBron walks up to LaVar. They are chest to chest.

                          LEBRON JAMES
               For the second time, keep my kids'
               name out your mouth, keep my family
               out your mouth. I'm not gonna tell
               you again

                          LAVAR BALL
               Or what? You better save that
               touchy, Macho act for Kanter! This
               is Big Baller territory, baby!
               Ain't no playgrounds here!

                          SMILEY
               Okay, guys, you served your purpose.
               I learned my lesson, can I go home
               now?

                          LEBRON JAMES
               Hold on, Smiley, I'm about to
               settle this.

                          LAVAR BALL
               Settle what? You can't settle
               anything because I've already won.
               Did you forget? I'm undefeated,
               NEVA LOST!

     Smiley sighs and finds his way out.

                          SMILEY
               Good luck with the rest of the rest
               of the season, Lonzo, tell Denise I
               said hi.

                          LONZO
               Aite, fasho...
                    (realizing the last thing
                     Smiley said)
               Wait, hold up!

     Smiley heads out to the door and the cold winds carry him
     into the sky.


     INT. SMILEY'S ROOM - MORNING

     Smiley wakes up thinking up his dream. He looks at the LeBron
     poster hanging on his wall and realizes what he has to do.

END SCENE.     

A salty LeBron fan vents

In 2012 I turned in my Los Angeles Laker Hater Card after witnessing the Mavs sweep them a year prior and the Lakers' quick spiral into irrelevance. In 2013 I became a part time Chicago Bulls Hater after they snapped the Miami Heat’s 27 game win streak which included Kirk Hinrich bear hugging LeBron and LeBron getting called for fouling. The Bulls too slipped into irrelevance and I turned in my membership in the Summer of 2016. That summer I applied for a part time membership for the Golden State Warriors Hater Card. After KD's cowardly decision I am pleased to say that I have since upgraded my membership to Full Time Hater with an emphasis on Kevin Durant. Yes, KD is legend and HOF. But Summer 2016 KD is the point where all my respect for him has gone. I am no longer able to look at him as anything more than a mentally weak, wannabe tough guy who ceaselessly runs his mouth, has mood swings with the media, and took the easy way out to win a championship and beat LeBron. He may be one of the greatest players in the world, but he is not a competitor. He will never be a competitor as long as he’s a member of the Warriors.

There’s nothing I can say about KD being soft that hasn’t already been said. He blew a 3-1 lead against the Warriors in the Western Conference Finals after being swept by them in the regular season. At the end of last season he was fronting like he wasn’t going to leave, only to announce in July that he was joining the Warriros and didn’t even have the decency to tell his teammates, coach or the front the office of OKC. THEN he had the nerve, the temerity, the unmitagtaed gall to say that he took the hardest road because he’s never lived in California and he doesn’t know anybody there. Somebody pass me the freaking Kleenex, Kev’s gotta make new friends!

There’s a scene in The Godfather where Michael Corleone confronts Carlo Rizzi, his brother-in-law who got Michael’s brother, Sonny, killed. He asks Carlo which member of the Five Families did he consult with to conspire against Sonny and Carlo denies doing such a thing. Unbeknownst to him Michael had all the heads of the rival families killed already. He just wants to know who Carlo was working with. In that scene Michael looks at Carlo and says “Don’t tell me you’re innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and it makes me very angry.” Carlo confesses and minutes later is killed by one of Micahel’s men. Kevin Durant saying that going to a new setting is the hardest road insults all of our intelligence. Had he spoke at that press conference and shrugged his shoulders and said “Hey man, I can’t get to the Finals again with OKC. I’m not enough of a leader to get us to beat Golden State and I want to win a ring ASAP, so eff it. Can’t beat em, join em” at least he’d be honest. But instead he acted like a coward and didn’t own up to it. For that, Kevin Durant lost my respect as a basketball player and a man.

I pray that the Los Angeles Clippers realize that they are a lost cause and implode. In the process I hope Chris Paul goes to San Antonio and gives the Spurs much needed fire power. I hope during the summer Kawhi Leonard gets adamantium in his ankles so the next time Zaza tries something he breaks his own foot in the process. I hope the entire NBA comes together and vies to oust the Warriors the same way it did with the Big Three Era Miami Heat. Next summer I want to see Warrior fans in tears, I want Stephen Curry to have his towel on top of his head in defeat. It might take a couple of years but I believe if all 29 teams put their heads together they can take out Golden State. As great as it would be to see the Cavs crush them in next year’s Finals I don’t want to see a fourth round. Let the Cavs beat another team in the West.

Oh, and for the record, the Warriors sweeping through the Western conference deserves an asterisk considering that every team they faced suffered an injury to a star player. The Blazers didn’t have Josuf Nurkic (although I know they would’ve still gotten swept), the Jazz didn’t have George Hill (they could’ve mayyyyybe stole one game), and the Spurs didn’t have Tony Parker and Kawhi Leonard who was thoroughly kicking Golden State’s ass in the first three quarters of Game 1 before Zaza Pachulia took matters into his own foot. All the teams the Warriors beat in the playoffs weren’t at their healthiest. That’s not the Warriors’ fault but it should be mentioned whenever that 12-0 crap is brought up. So all that Warriors being the greatest team ever talk needs to hush a little bit.

People say that Kevin Durant ruined the NBA season, KD had a response to that which he should’ve been fined for. I disagree with this. We had a triple double bonanza with James Harden, Russell Westbrook, and Nikola Jokic, Devin Booker 70 points towards the end of the season, the Knicks continued to provide us with the greatest sports themed soap opera, and Isaiah Thomas’s fourth quarter heroics were a pleasure to watch. Yeah the season ended predictably but it still had its moments that weren’t LeBron and Golden State related. However; that doesn’t negate the fact that Kevin Durant is a cupcake. I’ve worked in a bakery before and I’ve seen that a cupcake with a ring on top of it is still a cupcake. Rings don’t change what you always were, Kevin Durant.  

And one more thing, this year’s Finals prove that the Warriors can’t beat the Cavs when they are at full health without a super team. That says something about Stephen Curry, so when it comes time to discuss greatest players ever and leaders, his name shouldn’t even be in the top 10.

40 (Somewhat) Inspirational Kanye Lyrics for Everyday Life

Today is a day that should be celebrated worldwide. On this day, 40 years ago, the greatest artist of our generation was born. It's not hyperbole to say Kanye is the GOAT. Kanye West has been a big inspiration to me and no matter what he gets in the tabloids for nowadays or how his new music sounds, I will always be a fan. Like Donald Glover, I am a student of Kanye. I'm still learning from him as he continues to create, inspire and speak his mind. In honor of Kanye's 40th birthday, here are 40 lyrics of his that are somewhat inspirational or amusing at the very least.

1.       When you’re the life of the party: “It’s amazing, I’m the reason, everybody fired up this evening”

—Amazing

2.       When your significant other wants to talk about his or her ex’s: “All them other niggas lame and you know it now/ when a real nigga hold you down you supposed to drown”

—Bound 2

3.       When you and your homies have a dry spell at the bar: "We go through too much bullshit just to mess with these drunk and hot girls"

—Drunk and Hot Girls

4.       Dealing with haters: “Now I could let the dream killers kill my self-esteem/ or use my arrogance as my steam to power my dreams”

—Last Call

5.       Being late to a job interview: “I’m living in the future, so the present is my past/ my presence is a present, kiss my ass”

—Monster

6.       Struggling to show your admiration: “If you admire somebody you should go ahead tell em/ people never get the flowers when they can smell em”

—Big Brother

7.       Finessing the system: “We claim other people’s kids on our income tax”

—We Don’t Care

8.       Dealing with haters: “If you ever wanted to ever be anything there will always be somebody that’ll shoot down any dream”

—Bring Me Down

9.       When you offend people but don’t see a need to apologize: “They say I talk with so much emphasis/oooh they so sensitive”

—Can’t Tell Me Nothing

10.     Handling rejection from a girl: “I don’t need your pussy, bitch/ I’m on my own dick”

—Power

11.     When you’re in the club and dance with more than one girl: “I’m pulling girl’s off the bench like a sixth man”

—This Way

12.     When you find out your ex has been talking junk: “Then I heard you was talking trash, hold me back I’m about to spaz”

—FourFive Seconds  

13.     Explaining to your kid where babies come from: “We was practicing/ till one day your ass bust through the packaging/ you know what though? You my favorite accident”

—Celebration  

14.     Dealing with your significant other’s past more aggressively: “I know it’s corny bitches you wish you could unfollow, I know it’s corny niggas you wish you could unswallow”

—Wolves

15.     When someone is trying to flex on you: “Don’t talk to me about style nigga, I’ll motherfucking embarrass you/ talking about clothes, I’ll motherfucking embarrass you/ hollerin about some hoes, I’ll motherfucking embarrass you”

—Theraflu

16.     When the Everest College commercials don’t speak to you: “Cuz ain’t no tuition for having no ambition, and ain’t no loans for sitting your ass at home”

—We Don’t Care

17.     When your homie catches a charge: “I got a lawyer for the case to keep what’s in my safe, safe”

—Through the Wire

18.     For the time’s when you’re feeling down: “When it feel like living’s harder than dying/ for me, giving up is way harder than trying”

—Champion

19.     For breaking up: “You weren’t happy you just pretending/ I need a happy beginning middle and ending”

—30 Hours

20.     When you walk into a class full of baddies: “I think I died in an accident cause this must be heaven”

—Touch the Sky

21.     When you run over an animal: “I'm a monster, I'm a killer, I know I'm wrong/ I'm a problem, that'll never ever be solved”

—Amazing

22.     Asking your partner to bring someone else into the bedroom: “I just wanted to ask you/ Just wanted to um, let me, how would I put this uhh/ Let's say all your friends, remember the one/ You said if you ever she would be the one/ Ok, ok, ok/ I was thinking, hypothetically/ I mean don't take this seriously/ Don't take me: I mean just, uhh, not credibly/ I'm feeling incredibly, I mean let it be/ I just let it be/ I mean you, her and me/ I mean you, her and me/ Maybe, baby, baby/ You know I was just kidding/ Unless you gon' do it”

—Addiction

23.     When your homie is pursuing a girl who’s way out of his budget: “Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke niggas”

—Gold Digger

24.     Gym rat talk with the bros: “I wake up, all veggies no eggs, I hit the gym all chest no legs”

—30 Hours

25.     Coming to grips with addiction: “Why everything that’s supposed to be bad make me feel so good, everything they told me not to is exactly what I would/ man I tried to stop, man, I tried the best I could but”

—Addiction

26.     “Keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God and keep your face to the rising sun”

—Family Business

27.     Explaining to your homie that you can say “I love you” without having to say no homo: “I feel like one day you’ll understand me dawg, you can still love your man and be manly dawg”

—Family Business

28.     When studying for finals seems futile: “Told them I finished school and I started my own business/ they say “oh you graduated” no, I decided I was finished” 

—School Spirit

29.     When someone tries using their education to belittle you: “Scared to face the world, complacent career student/ some people graduate but be still stupid”

—Good Morning

30.     For work woes: “If my manager insults me again I will be assaulting him/ after I fuck the manager up, I’m going to shorten the register up”

—Spaceship

31.     When your white friend uses you as proof that he or she isn’t racist: “But let some black people walk in I bet you they show off their token blackie”

—Spaceship

32.     When you prestige in Call of Duty: “Y’all don’t know my struggle you can’t match my hustle, you can’t catch my hustle, you can’t fathom my love”

—Spaceship

33.     When you aren’t religious but pray that your team wins: “I wanna talk to God but I’m afraid cuz we ain’t spoke in so long”

—Jesus Walks

34.     For staying woke: “Racism still alive, they just be concealing it”

— Never Let Me Down

35.     For staying woke with more description: “And I basically know now/ we’ve been racially profiled/ cuffed up and hosed down/ pimped up and ho’d down”

— Two Words

36.     Getting real with your role in a failing relationship: “Never was much of a romantic/ I could never take the intimacy/ and I know I did damage/ cause the look in your eyes is killing me/ I guess you were at an advantage/ cause you can blame me for everything/ and I don’t know how I’mma manage/ if one day you just up and leave”

—Runaway

37.     When succumb to the thirst traps on Instagram: “See, I can have me a good girl, but still be addicted to the hoodrats”

—Runaway

38.     When you’re Polo down to the socks: “Ralph Lauren was boring before I wore him”

— Brand New

39.     When you hop in a Team Deathmatch lobby “And I’m back to tear it up/ haters start your engines I hear them gearing up”

—Everything I Am

40.     When people say that you look better than your pictures: “When you meet me in person, what do you feel like? I know I know I look better in real life”

—The Glory

One last one, because this was fun… When you make your first three pointer after going 0 for 6: “I can do this all day, boy/ I’m finna turn this bitch out”

—All Day 

Happy Birthday, Kanye

Now Playing: 'The Carmichael Show' with special guest Sunshine

Sunshine and I recently hit that stage in our relationship where we have a show that we watch together. That show is The Carmichael Show and it all sort of happened by accident. Before I get into how it all happened, let me give you a little background on the show. The Carmichael Show, is about a black, middle class family in Charlotte, North Carolina. Jerrod Carmichael stars as a somewhat fictional version of himself. His character lives in an apartment with his girlfriend Maxine, a Psych major. Jerrod and Maxine spend a lot of time at Jerrod’s parent’s house where his older and recently divorced brother Bobby also lives.

I first watched The Carmichael Show by myself but I stopped watching after the first 10 minutes of the pilot. Days later I was talking to Sunshine about it and she convinced me to give the show another chance. We watched the pilot together and now here we are. We’re almost done with season two right now and it’s been enjoyable and cringe worthy at times. I’ll let Sunshine tell you why:

There aren’t many shows oriented solely around a black family on TV that highlight controversial topics such as sexual identity, police brutality and religion. Everybody has an opinion, but more times than not are too afraid to express it in fear of being judged by others. This opinionated family does no such thing. The show typically starts with a debate between Jerrod and Maxine. They often disagree on just about everything so they head over to Cynthia and Joe’s house (Jerrod’s parents) to discuss the issue as a family. Bobby typically has nothing to add to the conversation and he only really speaks when he is cosigning something Joe has said. A lot of the debate stems from Cynthia asking many questions and Maxine preaching or teaching the family a new lesson for that day. Nakeisha (Bobby’s ex) comes in from time to time to lighten the mood and crack jokes. 

Many viewers love this show for varying reasons, but I personally just now started truly enjoying it mid-way into season 2. I say that because I am very happy a show on both TV and Netflix talk about issues that most shows typically shy away from. But at the same time the issues are downplayed through jokes and common sense type questions from Cynthia. The issues addressed are no joke and viewers may be going through that issue only to watch this show and be laughed at and hear the same jokes they probably hear already. I know a lot of people probably think if the jokes were taken out it would not make much of a show. That may be true, but at least these everyday issues will be addressed and people will feel heard and respected rather than laughed at and not taken seriously because the issues were laughed off in between jokes.

She hit the nail on the head with my general thoughts on the show, but I’m going to get into some more specifics. The Carmichael Show returns to air for its third season on the 31st. While we’ve enjoyed the direction that the show has gone in its mid second season, there are still some things that we’d like to see in season three.

With this sitcom, there is so much room for character development. Although the characters reflect Jerrod Carmichael’s different opinions, the show carries itself off the strength of Joe and Cynthia who are played by David Alan Grier and Loretta Devine, respectively. Jerrod is the star of the show but he isn’t the most interesting character. This isn’t an uncommon thing in sitcoms, but my issue here is that we know nothing about his character. We know more about Maxine such as that she is a Psych major but the show does nothing with that. Not once have we seen her study for a test or write a paper, instead we hear Jerrod and his parents joke about how being a Psych major is financially unpromising.

We’re about to be two seasons in and we don’t know what Jerrod does for a living. He doesn’t even mention having a job, I’m starting to assume that he spends his day spewing out offensive things and telling his parents about it. Give Jerrod a job. Give him a coworker whose beliefs are the exact opposite of Jerrod’s. Make Jerrod a comedian for crying out loud. There are so many opportunities for him and the world of the Carmichaels to have depth. Otherwise this show starts to look like a radio show turned sitcom rather than a regular sitcom.

These characters may have a lot of interesting points about controversial topics but when that’s all they discuss they appear to be one dimensional. There’s nothing wrong with the show’s topical theme, but it wouldn’t hurt if they just went about their day like normal people once in a while.

To get back to Maxine, they need to tone her down a bit. I’m not saying to make her submissive, I’m saying make her less of an overly preachy voice of reason and make her more of a human being. Give her some hobbies and friends. There’s got to be something about her that interested Jerrod and she’s got to live for more than daily visits to her boyfriend’s parents’ house.

My biggest gripe with the show is Bobby’s character. Lil Rel Howery had us all cracking up with his scene stealing performance in Get Out. Why is he only there to suck up to his father? I’ve never seen an actor so misused. He can be the lovable loser, but damn, give him a chance to try and do something with his life. Why doesn’t he try to see other women? Why is he so buddy buddy with the guy sleeping with his ex-wife? This man’s only purpose to be a sad sack, cosign his dad and point out what we can clearly see but his parents can’t. C’mon man…

While we’re discussing Bobby, what’s the purpose of Nakeisha? I don’t understand how she can pop in the house whenever she feels like. She recently divorced their son and sleeps with other men, why and how is she welcome in their home? If she’s going to be around as much, let it be for good reason. Like, she and Bobby have a child, or she and Bobby remain good friends and there’s a chance that they’ll get back together.

There’s so many places this show can go and it’s a bit frustrating to see it restrict itself to the confines of Jerrod’s apartment and his parent’s house. While it’s important for a show about a black family to discuss current events, it’s even more important for there to be a dialog with the outside world. It’s hard enough to tackle these subjects in under half an hour, it’s even harder when the characters only speak about it with each other and most of them agree with each other. It leaves the viewer wondering if the family really learned something, more times than not it seems like they don’t. that’s another problem with topical nature of the show, it has a one shot, one kill approach. If there were to a gay character in season three we’d think to ourselves, wait, didn’t we already go over this? It makes it hard for the show to achieve longevity and that hurts its chances for syndication which would help immortalize the series.

Despite us having a lot to say about the show, we really do enjoy The Carmichael Show. It may sound like we’re ripping the show to shreds but it’s only because we believe this show isn’t reaching its potential. Like Sunshine said, many people love this show. Maybe we’re just too hard on it. Maybe we expect too much out of show that’s still young. One thing’s for sure, we’ll be tuning in on May 31st.

'Southside with You' with Sunshine and D

Sunshine's thoughts:
My favorite kind of movies fall under the drama, love and romance genres! That is one of the main reasons why I wanted to see Southside With You. From all the previews, clips and commentary I read on Twitter it was a movie about Barack and Michelle’s very first date. 

Overall, I really enjoyed this movie! BUT the fact that this was a day long date I would have had a problem with. Michelle had only planned to go to a meeting with him for a couple of hours. It was very cute that he had the day planned out, but it is still kind of inconsiderate if you think about it. What if she had other plans?

Also, I don’t know about you, ladies, but the fact that he needed to stop and smoke for what appeared to be every two seconds would have been enough of a turn off for me. If we actually established something further from this first date I would have had to talk to him about that. I would not have minded the hole in his car. It is still drivable it would just make me question his home environment. Aren’t guys’ cars their pride and joy? So if your car is looking like that then what does your home look like? But I must say Barack was definitely a smooth talker throughout the whole entire movie. 

I give him props for continuing to pursue her after all the times she’s turned him down and tried to downplay their date. He definitely wooed her and made her see him for what he really was. He wasn’t just another black employee from the same firm. He was a man who loved and cared about his community and continued to try and better it even while being away at school and working at a law firm. Everyone loved him and he wanted Michelle to see him for more than what he appeared to be.

I also give him props for getting her ice cream even though he does not like ice cream AND even after she basically told him off because of the run-in they had with their boss at the movies. Which, I must say, pissed me off buttttt that’s a topic for another day.

Anyways, back to the point, I loved that Barack went out of his way to buy Michele ice cream because I know plenty of guys who would have left her on the corner to find a different ride home. He really does care! And the kissing scene was the best part of the movie for me! It was like everything finally came together. All his hard work paid off and he was soooo smooth with it too. This movie is a good reminder of how women should be treated whether it be the first date, thirteenth date or an anniversary. 

It would have been a better movie if it was a tale of their whole life rather than a first date. The movie was long, but lacked depth. I would have loved to see the trials and tribulations they had to go through to get where they are today.

Deion's Thoughts:
Man, just when I thought Barack Obama couldn’t have been any smoother, this movie comes around and proves me otherwise. If Barack had a son I can imagine him taking the family out to see the movie and during every moment where he did something smooth in the film he would elbow his son and say “That’s how you do it!” From witty compliments to reciting poetry, this man was debonair. Shout out to Parker Sawyers and Tika Sumpter for their phenomenal performances. In an interview, Tika Sumpter said they didn’t want to imitate the Obamas, but instead they really wanted to embody them and they did just that. Tika Sumpter had Michelle Obama’s voice down pat and there were many scenes where the lighting and camera angles had Sawyers looking exactly like Obama. Whether it was intentional or not it was spot on.

So back to Barack being smooth, this man was cooler than a polar bear’s toe nails. On the first date, he did all of the right things. He did everything except, EXCEPT… he didn’t open the car door for Michelle. This was a minor infraction but I couldn’t help but notice it. It’s not like he lost points for it anyway. I’m sure his excessive smoking and the hole in his car were bigger issues to get over.

It was great to see the Obamas as regular people and get to know who they were before they entered politics. It was crazy to even imagine that politics weren’t on their minds when they first met. There were so many fun facts throughout the movie that made me say “wow, they’re just like us.” For example, I didn’t know Barack Obama didn’t make his varsity basketball team during his junior year of high school. I also had no idea that Michelle’s brother, Craig, got drafted by the 76ers. Here’s another freebie, Michelle doesn’t like pie but loves chocolate ice cream. Barack hates ice cream after being overly exposed and indulgent of it while working at Baskin Robbins one summer. My favorite just like me moment came during a bar scene when they are briefly debating which Stevie Wonder album was better between Talking Book and Innervisions. They ended it by agreeing that Stevie is the best and they drank to it. Like I said, it wasn’t a major plot point, just a nice subtlety that made the Obamas relatable.

Richard Tanne did an amazing job of discreetly capturing the racial climate of America in the late 80s. Throughout the movie there were many subtle references to the clear divide between black and white America. An example of this can be found when Michelle describes going to work as leaving Planet Black and entering Planet White. The best indicator of the racial climate at the time was the inclusion of Do the Right Thing. This wasn’t done for the sake of proving something; the Obamas really did see that movie on their first date. You can just see the differences between the two worlds when the black people in the audience are cheering at the riot and looting of Sal’s pizzeria while Michelle and Barack’s white boss was confused and frustrated about the whole thing. It goes to show that America had a long way to go entering the 90s and it also shows how much progress we made in seeing an African American president.

With this in mind another thing Southside With You brought to light was the differences between Barack and Michelle. Barack’s last name alone makes him stand out from the average “smooth talking brother.” And the fact that he’s bi-racial and grew up in Hawaii made him otherworldly at the time. As Michelle stated, Barack’s parents were ahead of their time for having a mixed baby in 1961. Despite how different Barack was from the typical African American background that Michelle had, he was still connected to the black community. This is further evidenced in his revelation of a past relationship with a white woman during his days at Columbia and how it ended it shortly after visiting her family. Despite their relationship being a great one, seeing all of her family portraits reminded him that he was and always will be an outsider in her world. Without saying it, that moment revealed that although the black experience isn’t monolithic, it is still united on the basis of color, which is a sad and beautiful thing all together.

Michelle too had her fair share of insightful moments and personal struggles. The intersectionality of being a black woman is a big theme in the film. She explained early in the film about how being black makes her have to work harder to hush the murmurs of her employment being due to a racial quota. Then, adding the fact that she’s a woman brings her back down to zero. Unfortunately, this is an issue that still persists to this day and doesn’t get much attention. One line that stuck with me came from Michelle as she was advising Barack to forgive his father and let go of the resentment and judgment he passed on him.

“All fathers’ lives are incomplete, that’s why they have sons.”

If I ever meet the Obamas, I would like to ask Michelle what she meant by that. I would also like to ask for Barack’s take on it given that he doesn’t have any sons.

Overall, this movie was phenomenal from start to finish. It’s more than a romance—although if that’s all you take from it then you won’t be disappointed—it’s more so a film about two people entering each other’s lives and their desire to do more and make a difference. Regardless of your race, upbringing and political views, this is a movie everyone can relate to and should see.

Let's About Talk Mumble Rap part 2

Growing up we were lead to believe that the 90s were filled with nothing but instant classics everywhere you turned. It was one classic after another, like clockwork. BOOM The Chronic, BOOM Illmatic, BOOM Enter the 36 Chambers, BOOM Ready to Die, BOOM Reasonable Doubt, BOOM Capital Punishment BOOM Life After Death... The 2000s and 2010s have a long list of classics too. They might not be as celebrated as the albums of the 90s but that’s because music journalism changed as well as the way consumers receive music. Rap magazines aren’t as relevant as Anthony Fantano and Complex Magazine. Album reviews are published hours after the album comes out. Within minutes of an album release, there are dozens of song explanations and fan conspiracies on Twitter. We don’t have to listen to a song repeatedly and debate over deciphering lyrics anymore; we have Rapgenius to spoon feed us.

And let’s not act like 90s rap wasn’t super commercial and corny at times. I was still an infant, but I read that ’97 was the year of Puff Daddy and the shiny suits. All of the greats coming out of this era were introduced and perhaps best known for their radio singles. When you hear Big Pun on the radio chances are you’re hearing “Still Not a Player” not “Twinz (Deep Cover 98.)” Biggie is one of the greatest, but songs like “Big Poppa” and “Hypnotize” are what most people know, not “Gimme the Loot” or “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Kills You.” I’m sure the teens of the 90s had something to complain about with rap back then and I’m certain that the old head 80s diehards chastised 90s rap too. With that being said, today’s rap is really not that much different than it was 20 years ago. The genre evolves and the previous generation makes its critiques, it’s a cycle.

To get back to Mumble Rap, another thing that rubs people the wrong way about it is the rappers’ so called “lack of respect for the game.” Before they can come in and make waves, new guys are expected to pay their dues and earn the respect of the O.G.’s. As you can see, many of the newcomers such as Lil Yachty and Lil Uzi Vert aren’t concerned with getting anyone’s approval. They just want to have fun. Some rappers are just trying to make music and have fun. That’s perfectly fine. It doesn’t have to always be for the love of hip hop or to be the illest MC alive or to make it out of the hood. It’s not like every rapper coming out of the 90s was trying to be the best. I doubt Skee-Lo thought he was going to put the game in a chokehold when he made “I Wish.” Had Lil Yachty or any of these Mumble Rappers came in the way they did talking about they want to leave their mark on the rap game and rah rah rah, then there would be a problem. But if they just want to put out music that they like, then go ahead.

Mumble Rap is only a phase. You can grin and bear it, fully enjoy it, or avoid it completely. Although it’s ubiquitous, it’s not the end all be all of current hip hop. Loosen up. Not too long ago, Dubstep was the biggest thing ever and that was honestly a worse time for Hip Hop. I heard a Dubstep cover of Biggie’s "Suicidal Thoughts" at a party and that was a really sad time.

In conclusion, Mumble Rap isn’t ruining rap. There are still plenty of people, mainstream and underground, out there who are all about social consciousness and lyricism.  It’s like Kendrick Lamar said in “Hood Politics” “Critics want to mention that they miss when Hip Hop was rapping/ Muthf-ck ya if you did, then Killa Mike would be platinum” Real hip hop isn’t dead, the problem could be we stopped looking for it.

Let's Talk About Mumble Rap part 1

Well, now’s as good a time as ever to talk about it.

Mumble Rap has recently come into the lexicon of rap and it’s already taken the world by storm. White people don’t get it and old head, 90s diehard hip hop fans are pissed off. Mumble Rap is something I’ve grown impartial to. At first I hated it like any hip-hop purist would, but eventually I grew to be a casual fan. While it’s irritating to see folks my age get rich from repeating themselves over bass heavy beats, I can’t help but nod my head to the music. I can’t find the strength to get through Playboi Carti’s mixtape, but “Magnolia” bumps in the whip.

You can date the origins of Mumble Rap as far back as the 90s with ODB and maybe even further, but its relevance and widespread use is relatively new. Here are a couple milestones in recent Mumble Rap history:

2014 Rich Gang release “Lifestyle” which is notable for Young Thug’s garbled hook.

2015 Future explodes to stadium status with 56 Nights and DS2.

2016 “Panda” becomes #1 on the Billboard 100. Lil Yachty releases the Lil Boat mixtape, XXL’s freshman lineup consists of Desiigner, Lil Uzi Vert, and Lil Yachty, Wiz Khalifa coins the term “mumble rap” in a Hot 97 interview.

2017 “Bad and Boujee” becomes #1 on the Billboard 100.

Let’s get into why older fans and young Hip Hop purists are upset right now. Old heads seem to get riled up whenever a newcomer comes in and does anything less than aggrandize 90s hip hop. Anything short of sucking up is considered blasphemy. Tyler, the Creator got a ton of flak for saying he enjoyed Earl more than Illmatic and Vince Staples was under fire for saying the 90s were overrated. To a certain degree he’s right. It’s time to let the 90s die. We can keep the memories, but we must move on. This goes beyond the music. Radio needs to evolve too, Joey Bada$$ recently mentioned this when discussing New York radio. Most millennials don’t know anything about Funkmaster Flex and personally, I don’t care to hear Ebro disrespect new artists because they aren’t like the rappers of yesteryear. 

40-year-old men talking down on the youth does nothing for the culture. We don’t need a history lesson every time; we have the internet for that. If we’re interested, we’ll look up it up. Let the young kids get money. Just look at how Lil Yachty gets treated during radio interviews. I am convinced that he will go down in history as a Mumble Rap martyr. When he first got on Hot 97 Ebro pretty much set him up for failure by having him freestyle over 90s beats. They tried doing the same thing to Uzi but he wasn’t having it. About a week ago Joe Budden became a trending topic after he went off on Yachty during an interview on Complex’s show, Everyday Struggle. Lil Yachty may not be a good rapper, but he's a great entertainer. It's hard to hate on someone who encourages people to be themselves and passes out PB&Js during concerts.

There isn’t anything wrong with Lil Yachty not knowing a Tupac song or thinking Biggie is overrated. I don’t think it was smart for him to openly take pride in that, but that’s his business. He’s not a student of the game. Soulja Boy and Lil B are his influences for crying out, what did you expect?

Not every rapper is from the streets. Hip Hop may change people’s lives but it doesn’t save every life. I’m sure Yachty would’ve been just fine if he never started rapping. He’d be a regular red haired teen working at McDonald’s in the Atlanta suburbs. Besides, the rags to riches story is cliché anyways. I’d rather not have every rapper tell me about how they’re selling drugs to make ends meet. I’m from the suburbs, I need a little silliness once in a while. I love Kendrick, but he’s not going to rap over the Rugrats theme song when I need him to. Lyricism wasn’t always a staple in rap music. Rapping began in parties. The first rap records were simplistic, non-threatening and fun. They weren’t loaded with multi-syllabic rhymes and double entendres. That’s not what got the party jumping back then and it isn’t what gets the party jumping now.