I Got a Story to Tell

      So Tuesday was my friend Khan’s birthday. I’m not always good with birthday wishes, but I try to send them whenever I can. I was thinking of sending him a birthday wish through Facebook but I decided to make it a little more personal and send a text. I looked through my contacts and sent him this:

      Minutes later his brother texts me from the same number. Turns out Khan’s number changed. No problem. I forward my message to the number that the brother gave me and this is the response I received:

      Now, if you know Khan, you would think that he’s just messing around and pulling my leg. No, my friends and I don’t play fight over text. We don’t play fight at all. But Khan has a unique sense of humor and something like that wouldn’t be unusual coming from him. So, being the good sport that I am, I decide to play along. 

      Once he ended it with that message I grew suspicious that I was given the wrong number. I message Khan on Snapchat telling him I wasn’t sure if he was pulling a prank on me or not but I wish him a happy birthday anyways. He responds that he wasn’t pranking me and gave me his real number. 

Uh oh..

      So I text the wrong number and threatened him thinking it was all a ruse. “Okay, welp, that’s the end of that” I thought to myself. But I was still confused as to why this person responded to me like that. Why was he so hostile? A simple, I think you have the wrong number would’ve sufficed. Maybe that’s how they do it over there (both he and Khan’s numbers start with 402 which is a Nebraska area code). I just shrugged it off and thought the guy was strange and went about my business. In case you were wondering, Khan had a great birthday. 

      Yesterday I was chilling at my cousin’s house when I got a call from a random number. The person was calling me about an ad I posted on Craigslist. I told the person that she must have the wrong number because I never posted an ad on Craigslist. Seconds later I got another call for the same reason. I told that person the same thing and hung up. Right after that the first person called asking me if I was Khan and told me about the ad. I told her that it wasn’t me and ask her to send me a picture of the ad posted. 

      I may not watch a lot of detective dramas, but it doesn’t take a sleuth to figure out who the culprit is here. So I called buddy from yesterday and he didn’t answer. Instead he hits me with this:

      So now he’s pulling the soccer mom/defenseless elderly woman card. Now he’s playing the victim. How are you going to talk about beating my ass and then put your tail in between your legs when I talk about murking you? That doesn’t make any sense. The more I’m thinking about it, the more I’m starting to wonder if this guy has severe multiple personality disorder. 

      When he finally answered my phone calls he sounded like a petrified white guy who’s been pissing himself since the other day. I told him how it was all a big misunderstanding and he said he didn’t believe me and that I am being “very soft spoken now.” He also denied having anything to do with the Craigslist ad which pissed me off. It’s one thing to call me names (which I don’t take well), but don’t insult my intelligence and DO NOT make me out to be something that I am not. Our conversation didn’t go anywhere. He ended it by saying “Alright, tough guy, this conversation is over.”

      I immediately called the cops and they directed me to the non-emergency line because I guess if you’re not in distress at the moment, 911 doesn’t have time for you. Ladies and gentlemen, the only reason why I contacted the police instead of Craigslist was because I wanted to beat buddy to it just in case he really did contact them. Yeah, I may have “done more than the situation called for” but the way I saw it I was the one who sent the incriminating text message. I mean, the text is plain as day. If someone read that “murked” line, they would think it’s a serious threat. I might as well plead my case now before anyone gets the wrong impression, feel me? And also, how many of you grew up knowing about a non-emergency number for 911? I DIDN’T FREAKING KNOW. Sure, what I was going through wasn’t an emergency but it’s not like I called the cops to vent my frustrations with a complete stranger. Give me a break. 

      Mind you, I was going through all of this B.S. on an empty stomach. It was like 10:38 when my cousin and I went to McDonald’s. I asked for a Southern Chicken Biscuit and I couldn’t get it. They told me they’re serving lunch now. Yo, McDonald’s, why is it that I can get a chicken breast with mayo and lettuce on that weird bread you use but I can’t get it plain on a biscuit? You serve Hot Cakes all day but a brother can’t get a McChicken on a biscuit?!

Anyways…

      After constant re-directions and being put on hold for people with real emergencies I was finally able to tell a cop my story. While this was taking place, I had the people texting me all day about the ad flag the post. 

Deion, that would’ve solved the problem right there. You could’ve done that all along without getting the police involved. I mean, did you REALLY think that guy was serious about calling the cops? You did too much. What did you think they were going to do about it? 

      I dunno, find out where the guy lives and burn him at the stake… maybe line him up in front of a firing squad, TP his house, break into his home in the middle of the night and put a plastic cover over his toilet seat so that when he takes a leak it bounces back in his face. I don’t freaking know! All I know is this guy ruined my morning and got off scot-free. It’s injustice, I tell ya!

      The officer called the guy and he said that he’s fine and he knows that no harm was meant to be done. He only wishes to be left alone. I asked the officer if anything was gonna happen to the guy for disturbing my peace and she said that they can’t do anything because there’s no real evidence of him being involved with the ad even though the dots line up perfectly. I asked her if I could at least write about this and she said I could but advised me not to. She told me that it’s over and I should just let it die. Sorry officer, but I don’t play that. 

      Maybe it’s all the Kodak I’ve been listening to lately but if that guy were local I would’ve pulled up to his address for a friendly hello. And I would’ve had some friendly chaps with me. We’d do a lot of talking and at the end of it all, we’d reach a good understanding. Then we can part ways and never speak to each other again. 

      But in all seriousness (because I don’t know if the Feds are reading this and I can’t afford to possibly incriminate myself for the second time), to the fellow I had the pleasure of texting and talking on the phone with, I wish you well. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths. I’ll be doing a book signing and you’ll be in the magazine section suspiciously taking pictures of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition spreads on your flip phone. I won’t know it’s you until we accidentally bump into each other and I say sorry and you’ll timidly say “Just leave me alone” at that point I’ll pause for a moment and ask you to say “you’re very soft spoken right now” after you say it I’ll light up and say “Shane? Craigslist, Playing the Victim Shane from Nebraska, is that you?!”

      Afterwards we’ll catch up and have lunch at Applebee’s. Sunshine would’ve come, but she thinks you’re creepy. I won’t pay for you, but at least we’ll enjoy the lemonade if not each other’s company. I’ll ask you what you’re doing for a living and you’ll tell me you’ve been unemployed for four years and have been trying to find work in marketing. Suits you best because that Craigslist ad sure had the people flocking! You might ask me for a job and I’ll pretend to consider. I might even go as far as to giving you a fake number before dropping you off at a street corner nearest to the local homeless shelter. Gotta beat that line! Early bird gets the worm, eh?   

But until then, Shane, I hope you stub your pinky toe today.