Wednesday, December 31, 2014

In The Mix's 2014 End of the Year Awards

             I wasn’t going to do this, but I noticed that I’ve been doing predictions and year in review posts for the past two years so I guess it’s become a tradition. This time around I’m combining my year in review with my predictions for the next year. We’ll start with a fresh look at 2014 first. 

This year’s recipients of Comic Book Guy’s “Worst. Year. Ever. Award” are… Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, and Donald Sterling. One man beat his kid, the other beat his wife. The NFL hasn’t looked this bad in a while. Donald Sterling’s history of sticking his foot in his mouth with outright ignorant comments finally caught up to him. Not only did his side chick put him on blast and he lost ownership of his team just when they become more serious as championship contenders, but he can never buy a hot dog in an NBA arena.

Moment to Remember… “The Fappening.” Nostradamus couldn’t even predict an anonymous hacker obtaining nude selfies of high-profile celebrities and sharing them with the world. This wasn’t a special day for me, but the way I found out about it was pretty funny.     
I was at my friend’s apartment when his roommate’s obnoxious friend came in talking about how his boy sent him a bunch of naked pictures of celebrities. My friend and I were playing 2K and as the guy showed everyone the pictures, all we heard behind us was “WOAH!” “NO WAY!!” “DAMN!!!” It was very distracting to say the least. We thought the pictures were fakes and they were making a big deal out of it, but when I checked Twitter that night, I realized it wasn’t a fluke and it was more than newsworthy. I doubt the Fappening is something future generations will talk about, but if I were ever asked where I was and what I was doing the day the pictures leaked, I can tell them this story. 

Blockbuster of the Year… Guardians of the Galaxy. The most fun Marvel movie I’ve seen in a while. I think it’s worth mentioning that according to BoxOfficeMojo.com none of the Top 10 movies of 2014 are based on original stories. Wow.

SMH Moment of the Year… Michael Brown/Ferguson, Eric Garner “I Can’t Breathe” and Bill Cosby. I won’t speak on the first two topics but I will give my two cents on Bill Cosby. For starters, it’s not Hannibal Buress’s fault that attention has been brought to Bill Cosby’s history of rape allegations and women are coming out of the wood work with sexual assault accusations. I’m not saying whether or not I believe he’s innocent, but the media is doing to him the same thing they did to Michael Jackson: assassinating his character and tarnishing his reputation. Smh.
(Less Serious SMH moment…) Kanye West STILL hasn’t performed at a Super Bowl. But Katy Perry will perform Super Bowl XLIX. Smh.
 
Hallelujah Moment of the Year… Michael Dunn being found guilty for the murder of Jordan Davis. That case made me say “They finally got something right, for once!”

Diddy punching Drake. Rumor has it he said “You will not disrespect me!” Before he punched him. That’s super fresh. That’s the Diddy equivalent of “THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!” I love Drake, but if any rapper were to be involved in a rumor like this, it would be him.
 
WTF Moment of the Year… LeBron’s return to Cleveland. I’m not sure what’s more shocking, LeBron going home or the current situation of the Cavs. They’re ranked 5th in the East and they lost their home opener to the Knicks. THE KNICKS!! The Knicks have yet to win 10 games!!
Kim Kardashian “Breaking the internet.” When I heard the news, I was like “What for?” My next questions were “How much did she get paid?” and “What the hell is ‘Paper Magazine?’” Her ‘07 Playboy spread wasn’t even as out there as her Paper shoot. I thought maybe Kanye would disapprove and talk some sense into her, but when I heard that he took pride in the whole thing, I gave up.

Gone but Not Forgotten (to name a few)… Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, Harold Ramis, Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. Exactly one year ago today James Avery aka Uncle Phil passed away. May they all rest in peace.

Hood Hit Wonders… Bobby Shmurda “Hot Boy,” OG Maco “U Guessed It” and OT Genasis “Coco” As terrible as all of these songs are, they have all been in my phone at one point. “Hot Boy” has the best lyrics out of the three, “U Guessed It” is the catchiest and “Coco” is downright hilarious. Who would’ve thought a line about baking soda could be a funny? I could throw in “Tuesday” by I Love Makonnen seeing that I doubt we’ll be hearing anymore from him in the future. Besides, Drake isn’t at the stage in his career where he can introduce new artists to the limelight. Oh and how can I forget DeJ Loaf’s “Try Me.” Wow, 2014 was really a crumby year for hip hop. Still not as bad as 2006/The Crunk Era though. Shout out to my boy Marco.    

Word of the Year… “Bae.” I can understand how last year’s word was “Selfie.” That’s kind of original. But “Bae?” Really? We take out one letter in a four letter word and now it’s in the dictionary. Is this not a sign that the American vernacular is getting lazier?

This year’s recipients of the Good Year Blimp Award goes to… Taylor Swift for continuing to sell millions of records without being able to sing well. Sam Smith for being the next unlikely household name from Britain. The Dallas Cowboys for ending their playoff drought and being Super Bowl contenders. Florida State University’s football team and women’s soccer team. The women’s soccer team had an undefeated season and won its first College Cup. FSU’s football team also finished the season undefeated and is on the road to repeat as BCS National Champions.

Predictions/ Wishlist
Ø  I wish Kanye and Kendrick will actually release the albums they were supposed to release last October. At this point, I’d be content with an album title and cover art.
 
Ø  North West and Blue Ivy will go on a highly publicized play date. They’ll probably be little league soccer teammates in 2016 and they probably won’t win the championship.

Ø  A bunch of crappy movie sequels and re-boots will be made. We will definitely see another forgotten kid’s toy make an unnecessary appearance on the big screen.  

Ø  Chris Brown and Rihanna will get married. It’s a stretch but they still have feelings for each other even after all of the stuff that they’ve been through. And with Karrueche out of the picture, why not? I can see them exchanging vows when they’re both past their prime.

Ø  Rick Ross will run a marathon. He’s already lost so much weight. It’s not too far out.

Ø  I wish Netflix will bring back Spongebob, Drake and Josh and The Odd Couple. I predict Martin, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Seinfeld (which is reportedly in the talks right now) will be added to the lineup. 

Ø  Kenan and Kel will reunite. This is a prediction and a wish. Kel’s been on the independent scene lately and Kenan is still on SNL. Neither of them would be making a career sacrifice if they did a movie together. At least do an SNL sketch together! Dare I say “Good Burger reunion?” C’mon guys, get out of your feelings, Kenan!

Monday, December 29, 2014

Chronicles of the College Boy

            Well, my first semester of college is over and it’s definitely been one for the books. They say the first semester is a transition period so now I should have the hang of things. I’m glad to say that this is true, but it wasn’t easy. Those 15 weeks have been one big adventure. I didn’t handle being away from home too well at first. The first few nights consisted of me staying in my room, writing and eating PB&Js for dinner. Luckily there were a bunch of meet-and-greet type events that got me out of my cave. One of the first things I noticed about living away from home is how expensive it is. Back at home when the fridge was empty I would wait for my parents to go grocery shopping. Now I have to fill it up myself, and grocery shopping isn’t nearly half as fun when I’m paying for everything. Paying for laundry was another unpleasant surprise. In an attempt to save money, I tried hand washing my whites in the sink but it turned out to be a huge waste of detergent.

            My classes were fairly easy. I came in with a few credits, but I still had to take a few Gen Ed classes. I took Philosophy, Real World Mathematics, Computers 101 and Sex Ed. With the exception of math, none of my classes stressed me out. None of my professors were jerks so I don’t have any evil professor stories. The closest I have to that is the time I had the flu and an injured foot. I had to turn in a hard copy of a project in Philosophy, but I emailed the professor ahead of time explaining my situation and telling her that I wasn’t going to class. She didn’t respond so I dragged myself out of bed and crutched all the way to her office to turn it in. I still got 20% deducted because the project was considered “late.” I ended the class with an A so it’s all good.

            Before I went to college I kept hearing three things about my school: football, parties and girls. Supposedly my school is consistently ranked top 3 in the nation for hottest undergrads. I went in expecting beautiful women as far as the eye can see. Like I was entering a Lion Country Safari of the most gorgeous girls in the world. Boy, was that unrealistic. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of attractive girls here but it’s not what I imagined. The good thing is there’s a lot of them. The downside is there’s little to no familiarity. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a head-turner and never saw her again. I had a crush on my Philosophy professor for the longest time. It was a mutual attraction, but she decided it was best not to go any further. She told me she wanted to take it easy because she just got out of a relationship. I didn’t understand what she meant until about a month later.
 
I met these two girls who within hours of us knowing each other were convinced that I was a perfect match for their friend. They wanted to set us up on a blind date; I’ve never been on one before, but I figured I’ll give it a shot. She was a cute second-year foreign exchange student from Britain. She too had just gotten out of a relationship, seems like I have a type. Here we were enjoying some frozen yogurt and out of the blue comes this debonair British dude wearing a top hat, white suit and a monocle. Buddy looked like a mix between Colonel Sanders and the Planter’s Peanut mascot.
I knew he was her ex because when he saw us he immediately broke into a sappy, poetic spiel about how miserable he’s been since the break-up, how she and I will never have what they had and how he’ll do anything to win her back. He put on quite the scene. Everybody in the yogurt place was rooting for him and I got a little choked up in all of the romance myself. They got back together and flew away on his umbrella. I wasn’t mad, but she barely made a dent in her yogurt and the cashier wouldn’t let me return it. So I gave the rest to a homeless person and walked to my dorm.
           So far college is great. The freedom is amazing and the overall experience is something I’m very grateful for. Making friends wasn’t as hard as I expected. I hit it off well with my neighbors and the members of my church so I got a squad up there. Things are looking good right now. Taken 3 comes out soon and if you know me at all you know that I’m amped to see it. Expect a review for that and plenty more mix to get into in 2015. 2014 has been a great year. Thanks for spending it with me.

2014 Forest Hills Drive Review

           It’s really hard for me to call this album 2014 Forest Hills Drive. If it were up to me I’d call it “Truly Yours 4.” Because this sounds more like a continuation of the Truly Yours mixtape series than an album. I was surprised when I first heard about Forest Hills Drive. It seemed almost impromptu because it came out of nowhere. When the album leaked, fans praised J. Cole and crowned 2014 Forest Hills Drive as the best rap album of the year. It was déjà vu; the same thing happened last year when Born Sinner came out. Before I heard this album I asked people if it was better than Born Sinner. The consensus- hell yes. My vote- Nah. 

Let me start by saying I enjoyed FHD. I think it’s good, but it isn’t great. The intro set the tone that the album was going to be on the soft side and I was okay with that. I don’t mind J. Cole singing. “January 28th” kicked things off and I was riding with it. The instrumental was good and the significance of the song’s title and the Rakim reference were fresh. I wonder why it took so long for Cole to make a song like “Wet Dreamz.” I’m surprised he didn’t make a song like it already. It seemed like something that would come out pre-Sideline Story. According to Feefo from Dead End Hip Hop, “January 28th,” “Wet Dreamz” and “’03 Adolescence” work as a coming of age story to introduce listeners to the artists they have before them. “’03 Adolescence” is deep but it’s nothing I wouldn’t expect from Cole. “A Tale of 2 Citiez” is easily my favorite track. Everything from the beat to the lyrics is flawless. “Fire Squad” had a bit of hype around it because of the third verse which I think is clever but the overall song doesn’t hit me like the track before it. After “Fire Squad” things start to ride on idle speed until “Note to Self” which was another favorite of mine.   
“4th quarter, so much due, but f—k stressin’ I just step into the ring and do my muhf—n’ thing”
-J. Cole
“Winter Schemes”
That line foreshadows this album. In “Note to Self” J. Cole admits there was a deadline scare during production and throughout the whole album Cole is doing Cole. Nothing really stood out. Sideline Story was his debut and Born Sinner was his proving that he’s one of the best rappers out. Maybe the focus wasn’t on J. Cole asserting his dominance; maybe he just wanted to say what’s been on his mind. I didn’t expect to hear an avant-garde, experimental project. I’m just saying that the hype is a little unwarranted. This year has been a drought for Hip Hop and fans are finally seeing some rain and they’re breaking into hysterics.
I have nothing but respect for J. Cole. He’s one of the realest, most humble rappers out right now, him and Kendrick Lamar. He’s also widely underrated. His name isn’t mentioned enough in barbershop conversations. FHD sold 370k copies in it’s the first week without any guest features and no intended singles. That’s impressive, it also proves that Cole has a dedicated fan base. He probably has the best relationship with his fans out of every rapper ever. With an already expansive body of work it’s interesting that Cole still has something to say and he says it in a way that remains true to himself. He’s not switching flows or trend hopping.
          While I enjoy most of the songs on the album, the only songs that I see myself bumping to for years to come are “A Tale of 2 Citiez” and “Note to Self.” Listening to FHD is like watching Rondo get a triple double, it’s great but I expect that from him. I give this album 3 out of 5 stars. What I would really like to see is the album or EP with Kendrick Lamar actually happen. I’ve been waiting on it for three years.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Dude, It's Just a Game


How to know when you’ve gone too far in video game raging…
 
                Fall is here and with that comes the usual lineup of sports video games and first-person shooters. According to the calendar, Madden comes out late August, Fifa comes out mid-September, NBA 2K comes out early October and Call of Duty comes out mid-November.
                This season seems to be the biggest time of the year for video game franchises, most titles coming out post-New Years are usually role playing or sandbox games that don’t want to get involved in the battle for holiday supremacy. That doesn’t seem to hinder their sales; for example, Grand Theft Auto games come out in spring and they always sell well.
                Since we’re talking about video games I want to discuss something that plagues most gamers. It’s an issue that gets worse with each generation: raging. From the annoying dog that laughed at you in Duck Hunt to noob-tubers in MW2, video games have been pissing people off for over 30 years. It’s human nature to get angry and feel cheated; I’ve thrown plenty of tantrums in my younger days. My favorite rage moment happened after I blew an 18 point lead against  my friend in NBA 2K11. I was down by two and I had the ball on his side of the court with less than 10 seconds left. I frantically tried to call a timeout to no avail and I lost the game. With my friend standing next to me I jumped up and yelled “[THAT’S] F_CKING BULLSH_T,” threw my controller on my bed and pushed my computer chair to the floor. Not only did I look like a maniac in front my friend, but the left trigger on the controller popped off. When I failed to put it back in place I threw it at my window and it burst into tiny pieces. That episode cost me $25 for a new controller and an awkward ending to a hangout.   
                You would think that after some time I’ve matured and changed my ways. Well, you thought wrong. This month I got in an altercation with a kid who was probably younger than 16 after he beat me badly in 2K. To be fair, he messaged me first saying “You suck, ha ha.” I demanded a rematch and he declined so I proceeded to verbally assault him with vicious messages. He responded with juvenile statements, but I got the last word in the end so take that Josethebeast01! This week I received a probation warning in Black Ops 2 after sending a sardonic message asking a player how the virgin life is treating him. I couldn’t help it. He went around stabbing people in Gun Game! I mean, c’mon, who does that?!
                I always tell myself that I’m going to play video games with my kids one day. And if they beat me I don’t know how I’ll respond. I might be proud of them, I might send them to military school, only time will tell. There comes a time when you must realize that breaking things, punching holes in walls and shouting obscenities through a headset isn’t worth it.
You know you need to calm down when…
·         Your raging has cost you X amount of dollars in property damages.
·         Your friends know how you get when you lose so they prepare themselves for your sore loser fury.
·         You need a stress ball/ punching bag/ personal counselor near you while you’re playing.
·         Your constant profanity led to the creation of a Swear Jar.
·         Your anger gives you migraines.
·         You cry after losing.
·         Your loved ones refuse to get near or even look at you when you pick up the controller.
·         Sharp objects are locked away when you’re about to play.
·         You make frequent visits to anger management classes.
·         You’re forced to play in a room where all of the furniture is plush and non-destructible.
·         In the midst of your warpaths you are shot with a tranquilizer and you wake up in a laboratory.
So what’s the best way to relax? Laugh.
             It’s 2014 and video games are still aggravatingly flawed. Glitches, noobs, trash talk, and indomitable foes aren’t going anywhere. You just have to accept it. People often look ridiculous when they’re absolutely livid, especially when it’s for a stupid reason. You don’t want to make other people happy at your expense. So just laugh it off. If you have to get mad, get mad, but don’t lose your composure. Do whatever it takes as long as it doesn’t involve quitting the game. For the love of all things good and evil do not put the controller down. Don’t even think about it! Rage quitting? What are you, 12 years old? PICK UP THE STICKS AND PLAY, YOU PANSY!
 
 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Get On Up Review

Intro Spiel
            I’ve come to realize that I’m a 50 year old trapped in an 18 year olds body. Last spring when my local library hosted a jazz concert during the city’s annual festival of the arts, I was the only one there in a crowd of 10 who didn’t have an AARP card. That was until my dad and sister came halfway into the show to support and convince me that I wasn’t alone in my interests.
            Get On Up was the only movie I anticipated to see this summer. I knew I was going to see it by myself because most of my friends aren’t James Brown fans and when I asked my dad if he was interested his response was “Redbox.” I was still determined to see this film so I went to the theater and paid my $10.50 (which I will address in an upcoming post) and I sat in the theater which had 8 people all paired up. I was fortunate enough to sit in front of two cackling, elderly African-American women who have probably went to their fair share of James Brown concerts back in the day, which would explain why one of them fell asleep and snored throughout the second half of the movie.

Review
            This film made me feel like I was riding a James Brown themed simulator at Universal Studios, travelling from the 30s to the 70s witnessing the highs and lows of James Brown’s life and career.
            Now I understand where history and english teachers are coming from when they complain about covering a vast curriculum in a short school year. It’s impossible to cover a legend’s triumphs and failures within 2 hours. The best way to handle it is through a miniseries which did well for the Temptations. As a result of all the condensing the film had a fast pacing and a lot of milestones in Brown’s life and career were given brief honorable mentions. A perfect example of this is Brown’s T.A.M.I. performance, a scene that disappointed me because I didn’t think they did the “cape routine” proper justice.  
            My two biggest gripes were the makeup and Boseman’s physique. The makeup in this movie looked cheap, as if it came from the Nutty Professor kit. As for Boseman’s physique James Brown was never a slender guy. He always had a toned stockiness to him and a fatter face. I don’t know how long Boseman had to prep for the role before filming began but he should’ve been put on a workout/diet plan to look the part more.
            So what did I like about the film? Everything else! I loved how the movie was cartoony at times and made sense because James Brown was such a colorful character in real life. I thought the script was great, shoutout to the Butterworths for that. Lastly, I enjoyed the nonlinear plot. It kept things interesting and made me pay close attention to how things ended.
            This movie is great, 4 stars! Big ups to Nelsan Ellis and Chadwick Boseman for yet another fantastic portrayal of an American icon. I really hope he becomes a household name one day. A Michael Jackson cameo would’ve been neat considering his and Brown’s mutual admiration for each other, but I can see why it wasn’t done.
Bottom Line: See this movie!
            This is way off-topic but am I the only one who hopes the Richard Pryor biopic can finally go into production after seeing this movie?  

Purge: Anarchy Review

                In case you were waiting for me to tell you if The Purge: Anarchy is worth seeing in theaters the answer is yes. This movie is so much better than its predecessor. So much so that it’s hard to believe both movies were written and directed by the same guy. This doesn’t mean that the movie was completely flawless. It still had one too many clichés and the dialogue was still clunky at times, but those are minor compared to this major improvement.

                Anarchy follows a rag tag group of strangers and their efforts to make it through the night while being hunt down by menacing mercenaries and a guy named Big Daddy. A significant standout in this film is the inclusion of government conspiracy talk and a rebel army headed by Michael K. Williams doing his best Samuel L. Jackson impression. It’s also worth noting that the black bum from the first film makes a brief cameo.
                What makes this movie better than the first? For starters, the characters are actually likeable and the villains aren’t so cartoony. There’s more gun fights and plenty of intense action scenes that made me jump in my seat with excitement. This is closer to what I imagined a Purge being—strangers dodging maniacs and battling in the streets for a whole night. There’s actually a moral to this story and the ending is decent. It’s refreshing to see a movie’s sequel besting its predecessor. It’s like taking that first bite of a burger and tasting more bun and fixings than meat. But then you take a second bite and that’s when all the meat and everything else comes together to create a sensational experience.
                Studio head pimps have been whoring out movies from the start. If it doesn’t originate from a book, sequels are either rehashes of the original or desperate attempts to make more money. In a time in which Hollywood’s creativity well is running dry it’s easy for sequels to fall in these categories. Here are two steps to avoid that fate. 
Deion’s Steps to a Successful Sequel

1. End the first film with a follow-up Convince people that a sequel is a continuation of the story rather than a money grab. Anarchy didn’t do this but they used the same conflict and showed how other people respond to it.

2. Expand- Include things that you wanted to do in the beginning but weren’t able to. The Expendables 2 are the most recent example. Sylvester Stallone wanted Chuck Norris in the first movie but he couldn’t commit. When the sequel rolled around, Chuck was on board. Go to greater lengths but don’t nuke the fridge.
                Sequels that are better than the original are rare. Those that are are heralded as classics. Shrek 2, The Godfather Part 2, Star Wars Episode V and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are considered classics. Anarchy is not a classic, but it’s a great date night flick!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

#WomanCrushWednesday

     Well it’s Wednesday and you know what that means. For the next 24 hours guys will collectively flood social media sites with pictures of the women of their unearthly desires followed by a caption stating their name, a few love-struck emojis and the ever so popular "#wcw." Personally I see nothing wrong with Woman Crush Wednesdays; I think they’re great. It gives single guys the opportunity to publicly praise and stroke the egos of their favorite object of lust for the week. For men in relationships, it allows them to show off their significant other.
      Some say #wcw was created by men to get them off the hook from going-all out on Valentine’s Day due to weekly appreciation women get throughout the year. Others say #wcw was created for study purposes by a group of psychologists at UCLA. Whoever the creator and whatever the purpose was, there is one undisputed motive behind #wcwacknowledgement.

      You see, unlike girls who could care less if James Franco sees he’s been selected as their Man Crush Monday, men yearn for the attention of their dream girls. We’re like dogs huddled around a beautiful woman, barking and nudging her hand so that she can see us and give a rewarding pat on the head. The pat on the head in this case is liking the picture and maybe leaving a comment to express her gratitude. The biggest reward is getting a follow back; that is the equivalent of a stomach rub and a satisfying scratch behind the ears.

       Fellas, remember when you were in middle school and you wanted all of your friends to see that you and the prettiest girl knew each other on a personal level. You felt like the Man when you were with your boys and the "It" girl walked by with her friends and she spotted you and went out of her way to say "hi" to you and only you. Your friends were shocked and they looked at you with reverence. The rewards of #wcw are like that except on a far less personal level.

       I’ve posted #wcws before but I’ve never been lucky enough to get a response from any of them. No matter how persistent I am I can’t seem to catch their eye. Even if they have retweeted or liked 50 other guys’ pictures, I came too late. I did have a woman crush follow me on Instagram though, and it was my greatest achievement. I take a screenshot of it and made it my wallpaper. I even enlarged the screenshot, framed it and hung it over my bed. But then one day she unfollowed me and tore my heart to pieces. I didn’t understand what I did to deserve it. I tried asking her, but she ignored me. I even went as far as visiting her at her job and waiting for her on her front porch, but my efforts were unsuccessful. Now I have to stay 50 ft. away from her. Sigh, unrequited love…

      So yeah, Woman Crush Wednesdays: great thing, except when it casues you to be deemed a "stalker," then it sucks.

Current WCW for the 3rd consecutive week- Analicia Chaves,

Woman Crush All Day Everyday- Nicki Minaj.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Purge

            How much kissing up and apologizing do you think occurs during the week leading up to the Big Night?

            The Purge is a 2013 sci-fi thriller based on an incredibly stupid idea. In 2022, crime and unemployment rates are at an all-time low because of one night where from 7a.m. to 7p.m. all crime is legal and the police are off-duty.

            The movie follows your average upper-crust white bread family as they fight to stay alive after a homeless black man enters their home and brings a gang of creepy, murderous American Eagle models to their doorstep. Racism and economic discrimination are prevalent in this film; the first ten or so minutes reveal footage of homeless people being beaten to death and ethnic minorities shooting at each other. The only people “safe” from the carnage are those who can afford state-of-the-art security for their homes and that’s a small demographic.  

            This movie sucked for other reasons besides the idiotic premise and recurring themes. For starters, the writing was horrible.

·         A girl’s father gets into a shootout with her boyfriend and she runs to her boyfriend’s aid.

·         The antagonists’ go-to insult is “swine.”

·         Clichés up the wazoo.

            As far as the acting goes I could’ve seen better performances in a Lifetime movie. The ending is what irks me the most. The black bum saves the day and he leaves the family with a “thank you” as his only reward. A thank you, that’s it. He stuck his neck out for the people who tortured him and debated whether or not they should send him to his lynch mob and a thank you was their only form of gratitude? You’d think a brother could at least get an omelet or some orange juice. No, he just limps out of the house while holding on to his soon to be infected flesh wound at 7 in the morning.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, TAKE THE MAN TO IHOP!

            Here’s what I would do if the Purge was real, I would spend the night at a nice motel and go to bed early. Why am I at a motel? Because too many people know where I live. I would only go out if Jordans are coming out the next day and to raid Gamestop; that place has screwed me over one too many times and a free PlayStation 4 is hard to resist.

            If there’s anything that the Purge teaches us it’s that nobody is safe from the evils of humanity. Well, that’s not entirely true. Puppies and disabled people aren’t necessarily endangered. Who would want to do anything to a puppy other than play with it? And who’s that much of an a-hole to harass disabled people? If you’re out with friends during the Purge and you suggest going to an orphanage for deaf and blind kids so you can yell insults at the deaf kids and tip over the blind kids like cows you’re going to be walking home by yourself.

             You know who would have it the worst during the Purge? Teachers and bosses. They already have targets on their backs as it is. Especially the teachers that don’t raise your grade from a 79 or 89 but rather smirk menacingly and tell you to “try harder next time.” And the bosses that reply to your request of a raise or promotion with snarky sarcasm, they’re better off laying low in the same motel I’m in.

            Despite a crumby movie, its sequel looks promising. From what I see in the trailers it looks like a pretty good film. But then again I said the same thing last year for “The Purge” and here I am.
 
I’ll let you know if “The Purge: Anarchy” is any good. Wish me luck.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Say It Ain't So, LeBron

        This whole thing played out like a chick flick. LeBron is the nice guy who wants nothing more than to raise a family. The problem was he wasn’t able to have kids with his childhood sweetheart, Cleveland. After seven years of trying and one devastating miscarriage in ’07, LeBron grew irritated. He wanted out. So he split up with Cleveland and it was not a good break-up. LeBron was labeled the bad guy by all of Cleveland’s supporters. What hurt the most was the vicious letter Cleveland’s dad wrote and made public. This butt-hurt letter pretty much stated that Cleveland will have kids before LeBron and she doesn’t need that gutless and wicked traitor because she can do bad all by herself. This later proved to be far from the truth.

        So in the summer of 2010, LeBron was on the market and playing the field for the first time in his life. And like any highly desired single guy, LeBron’s public pursuit for Mrs. Right was picked up by a huge TV network and became a reality TV show. That’s right, LeBron became The Bachelor. And he had plenty of women to choose from. New York promised him that he could be a billionaire if he chose her. Alongside New York there was New Jersey, Utah, Chicago, and Houston. Cleveland was anxiously swaying back and forth in the background with her head down and arms behind her back.   
        In comes the sultry South Beach, Miami. With her voluptuous figure, smooth talk and high-heeled stilettos. She was the most enticing. She already had a baby for Dwyane Wade and her wide hips showed that she was ready to bear more.
        It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he chose Miami in the season finale. And after four blissful years LeBron James became the proud father of two Larry O’Brien trophies. But something went wrong late in fourth year. There was trouble in Paradise. After a bad trip in San Antonio, LeBron decided to play the field once again.
       He did a lot of pussyfooting around this summer, but deep down in his heart he knew he had to go back to his hometown girl. Despite the lynch mob that burned his jerseys and slandered his name, he knew there’s no forgetting your first true love.
       Okay all jokes aside, I’m not salty about LeBron leaving. I can’t be mad at him for wanting to bring a championship to Cleveland. Let’s face it, Cleveland sucks. Not just the Cavs but the city as a whole. It’s been sucking for many years now. So LeBron leaving to put on for his city is something that I applaud. It’s not a loud applause; it’s more of a silent golf clap, but still, I’m happy for him. Let’s get this straight—there is no freaking way the Cavs will win it all next year. NO. FREAKING. WAY.  If that happens, all of the Kobe and MJ comparisons need to stop and LeBron must be heralded as the G.O.A.T. Because that is an impressive feat that no legend could’ve done.
       A western Conference team is going to win it all next year. It’s most likely going to be a Spurs repeat but I’m praying OKC pulls through because Lord knows they deserve it. The Overrated Clippers aren’t going anywhere and the Lakers are still wading in a pool of obscurity with their goggles and floaties.
You know what song perfectly describes my feelings toward this? “I Ain’t Mad at Cha” by 2Pac.

Thanks for the memories, LeBron.   
 
 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

My Summer Vacation So Far

        Having friends leave for college is like being in a band and seeing everyone go off to solo careers. One or two people might stay but it’s not enough to create a hit record.

        A lot of my friends left because they were crazy enough to start school in the summer. I don’t understand why anybody would make that decision. Sure it gets you a head start on your studies but you would think that after a grueling year of high school you would want more than a few weeks to relax and enjoy yourself before heading back to school. From what I hear these professors are ruthless. They’ll assign a seven page paper before the syllabus is passed out.

       To be fair there isn’t that much to do at home during the summer of your freshman year going into college. Unless you’re an adventurer or a humanitarian, the most you could possibly do is work and spend the remaining time with your family and friends and all of that gets old pretty fast. Maybe it’s just me but it’s not too hard to say goodbye to the people you see on a daily basis. It’s not like you’re never going to see them again; there’s always Thanksgiving. But it’s all about perspective. I didn’t shed a tear at my high school graduation no matter how hard I tried; however, I cried like a baby with my 5th grade yearbook in my arms after I graduated elementary school. That doesn’t mean I won’t miss high school and all my friends and family; I already do. The thing is I’ve braced myself for this moment and I’m slowly learning to suck it up.

       Like I said, I’ll see most of them again. Even though the band split up there’s always a few reunion performances at popular award shows to look forward to. What I’m looking forward to the most is seeing who in my circle of friends ends up being the Justin Timberlake of the group and who ends up being JC. Did that N’Sync reference get my point across?
       Besides working and hanging out the sports world has also kept me busy. This World Cup has turned me into a soccer fan. After years of watching the NBA get softer, it’s refreshing to see a sport that actually allows contact and aggression. I don’t really have a team other than Haiti who hasn’t made a World Cup appearance since 1974 and I didn’t feel right being a USA fan because I didn’t know any player besides Jozy Altidore and Landon Donovan. I secretly rooted for them but I started doing that when we played Belgium.

      The part that I love most is while I saw the support for Team USA with all the media promos and the popularity on Twitter with the “ibelieve” hashtag, none of the Americans I talked to at work gave a single care about the World Cup. Keep in mind that I work at a grocery store that serves a diverse clientele. Every time I asked if they were keeping up with the World Cup they would chuckle and say “no.” As if to say “Do I look like I watch soccer?”

      I know Americans don’t appreciate soccer but goodness gracious this is pathetic. You know what else was pathetic? Brazil getting spanked by Germany in their hometown. I’m in no position to talk. Not only did I just start paying attention to soccer but my own sports team, the Miami Heat, went out worse than Brazil. Brazil played without Neymar and Silva; Wade, Bron and Bosh were perfectly healthy.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Legal

         So far I'm not experiencing any novelty with turning 18. I didn't really turn up unless you consider going to a ratchet Wendy's with your friend and getting a medium Frosty when you asked for a small "getting live." A majority of my day was spent with running errands. To be honest, I did have a graduation/birthday family reunion last week but I couldn’t help but think I was in for a surprise today.
         The biggest fail of the day was when my mom told a bank-teller that she had a surprise for me at the end of the day. Only to find out that she said that to get the lady off her case. And here I was thinking I would see a GTR in my driveway.

        When most people are about to turn 18, they think about the strip club, buying cigarettes, voting or playing the lotto. The first thought that came to my mind was saying goodbye to mandatory lunch breaks after 3 hours at work. From this point on I will have to ask my superiors to "take ten."

        Of course, there are more things that come with being 18 in America:

         I can no longer commit a crime and get a slap on the wrist by the judicial system. Which means I wasted 17 years of my life being a law abiding citizen when I could’ve been getting into fistfights and doing hood rat stuff with my friends.

        I can get romantically involved with grown women which means I can have a sugar mama.

        I could enlist in the army OR I could move out, rent a beach condo in Miami and create the ultimate bachelor pad.

       Am I allowed to go to raves now? It doesn’t matter; you’ll see me at a Chili Cook-Off before you catch me at Ultra.

      There are a lot of windows opened to me now. I probably won’t do half of the things I mentioned but it’s nice to know that I have the option. Fun fact: my little cousin Jeremy, my great-grandfather, Marques Colston, Torry Holt, Zydrunas Ilguskas Marcus Thornton, Brian McKnight, Pete Wentz and Mark Wahlberg are also celebrating their birthdays today. Hopefully their moms put GTRs in their driveways.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Tania Torres, Will You– What? It's Your Birthday? Alright..

Better late than never.
     
          First and foremost, thanks to all who saw my promposal video and wrote encouraging comments on Tania's IG. If you're clueless right now here's the link: http://deisainvil.blogspot.com/2014/05/tania-torres-will-you-go-to-prom-with-me.html

          Unfortunately Tania could not attend my senior prom due to her already made plans to celebrate her birthday weekend. I wasn't mad about it. If anything I was mad at myself for not asking for a rain check. I had the opportunity but I was too caught up in the Heat game. I know, I'm ashamed of myself too. Oh well, I still had a great time at prom

           During the week that the video was released I was faced with a few FAQs:

How did you know about her?  I knew about her through her sister Tammy. I knew about Tammy after seeing her in Lil Wayne's "Mrs. Officer" music video.

How old is she? I have no idea. All I know is her birthday is around May 17th and she's a Taurus.

How do you know she didn't lie to you? She didn't. Look at her IG.

What would you do if she did lie to you? I dunno. Lock myself in the bathroom with a bowl of  Haagen-Dazs and lurk on her pictures with Bobby Vinton's "Mr. Lonely" on repeat. The hell kind of question is that?!

          I hope that video sets the standard for guys asking models through video. There are too many videos out there making these guys look soft. Thanks for all the support! My school year ended so, like always, I will be doing a ton of writing this summer. Stay tuned.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Tania Torres, WIll You Go to Prom with Me?

                  What joy do people get out of asking models to go to prom with them because I was just contemplating whether or not I should ask Tania Torres (not the one from Pit bulls and Parolees) but then I thought to myself “Nah.” Here’s why:
                  When that guy asked Kate Upton to Prom, it was clear to see that he’s wasn’t “The Man” at his school. The headline should’ve been “Prepubescent Nerd Asks America’s Top Model to Prom.” There’s a reason why the captain of his school’s football team didn’t make a video like that—he already had a date!
                  This isn’t Weird Science (1985 John Hughes movie). If I brought Tania to Prom or any social event it’s not going to boost my popularity. The girls at school aren’t going to look at me differently; I’ll still be Mr. GQ no matter what. Ha! I’m kidding… Realistically, I’m probably going to get a ton of stares. Maybe one or two guys will give me dap and a few ballsy douchebags will try to dance with her.


                  But on the other hand having Tania as my prom date would be pretty cool. I mean, c’mon, it’s not everyday that something like that happens.

Oh, what the hell. Tania Torres, will you go to Prom with me?



Waitaminute this isn’t right. Allow me to properly propose: