Purge

            How much kissing up and apologizing do you think occurs during the week leading up to the Big Night?

            The Purge is a 2013 sci-fi thriller based on an incredibly stupid idea. In 2022, crime and unemployment rates are at an all-time low because of one night where from 7a.m. to 7p.m. all crime is legal and the police are off-duty.

            The movie follows your average upper-crust white bread family as they fight to stay alive after a homeless black man enters their home and brings a gang of creepy, murderous American Eagle models to their doorstep. Racism and economic discrimination are prevalent in this film; the first ten or so minutes reveal footage of homeless people being beaten to death and ethnic minorities shooting at each other. The only people “safe” from the carnage are those who can afford state-of-the-art security for their homes and that’s a small demographic.  

            This movie sucked for other reasons besides the idiotic premise and recurring themes. For starters, the writing was horrible.

·         A girl’s father gets into a shootout with her boyfriend and she runs to her boyfriend’s aid.

·         The antagonists’ go-to insult is “swine.”

·         Clichés up the wazoo.

            As far as the acting goes I could’ve seen better performances in a Lifetime movie. The ending is what irks me the most. The black bum saves the day and he leaves the family with a “thank you” as his only reward. A thank you, that’s it. He stuck his neck out for the people who tortured him and debated whether or not they should send him to his lynch mob and a thank you was their only form of gratitude? You’d think a brother could at least get an omelet or some orange juice. No, he just limps out of the house while holding on to his soon to be infected flesh wound at 7 in the morning.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, TAKE THE MAN TO IHOP!

            Here’s what I would do if the Purge was real, I would spend the night at a nice motel and go to bed early. Why am I at a motel? Because too many people know where I live. I would only go out if Jordans are coming out the next day and to raid Gamestop; that place has screwed me over one too many times and a free PlayStation 4 is hard to resist.

            If there’s anything that the Purge teaches us it’s that nobody is safe from the evils of humanity. Well, that’s not entirely true. Puppies and disabled people aren’t necessarily endangered. Who would want to do anything to a puppy other than play with it? And who’s that much of an a-hole to harass disabled people? If you’re out with friends during the Purge and you suggest going to an orphanage for deaf and blind kids so you can yell insults at the deaf kids and tip over the blind kids like cows you’re going to be walking home by yourself.

             You know who would have it the worst during the Purge? Teachers and bosses. They already have targets on their backs as it is. Especially the teachers that don’t raise your grade from a 79 or 89 but rather smirk menacingly and tell you to “try harder next time.” And the bosses that reply to your request of a raise or promotion with snarky sarcasm, they’re better off laying low in the same motel I’m in.

            Despite a crumby movie, its sequel looks promising. From what I see in the trailers it looks like a pretty good film. But then again I said the same thing last year for “The Purge” and here I am.

 

I’ll let you know if “The Purge: Anarchy” is any good. Wish me luck.