Dude, It's Just a Game

How to know when you’ve gone too far in video game raging…

 

                Fall is here and with that comes the usual lineup of sports video games and first-person shooters. According to the calendar, Madden comes out late August, Fifa comes out mid-September, NBA 2K comes out early October and Call of Duty comes out mid-November.

                This season seems to be the biggest time of the year for video game franchises, most titles coming out post-New Years are usually role playing or sandbox games that don’t want to get involved in the battle for holiday supremacy. That doesn’t seem to hinder their sales; for example, Grand Theft Auto games come out in spring and they always sell well.

                Since we’re talking about video games I want to discuss something that plagues most gamers. It’s an issue that gets worse with each generation: raging. From the annoying dog that laughed at you in Duck Hunt to noob-tubers in MW2, video games have been pissing people off for over 30 years. It’s human nature to get angry and feel cheated; I’ve thrown plenty of tantrums in my younger days. My favorite rage moment happened after I blew an 18 point lead against  my friend in NBA 2K11. I was down by two and I had the ball on his side of the court with less than 10 seconds left. I frantically tried to call a timeout to no avail and I lost the game. With my friend standing next to me I jumped up and yelled “[THAT’S] F_CKING BULLSH_T,” threw my controller on my bed and pushed my computer chair to the floor. Not only did I look like a maniac in front my friend, but the left trigger on the controller popped off. When I failed to put it back in place I threw it at my window and it burst into tiny pieces. That episode cost me $25 for a new controller and an awkward ending to a hangout.   

                You would think that after some time I’ve matured and changed my ways. Well, you thought wrong. This month I got in an altercation with a kid who was probably younger than 16 after he beat me badly in 2K. To be fair, he messaged me first saying “You suck, ha ha.” I demanded a rematch and he declined so I proceeded to verbally assault him with vicious messages. He responded with juvenile statements, but I got the last word in the end so take that Josethebeast01! This week I received a probation warning in Black Ops 2 after sending a sardonic message asking a player how the virgin life is treating him. I couldn’t help it. He went around stabbing people in Gun Game! I mean, c’mon, who does that?!

                I always tell myself that I’m going to play video games with my kids one day. And if they beat me I don’t know how I’ll respond. I might be proud of them, I might send them to military school, only time will tell. There comes a time when you must realize that breaking things, punching holes in walls and shouting obscenities through a headset isn’t worth it.

You know you need to calm down when…

·         Your raging has cost you X amount of dollars in property damages.

·         Your friends know how you get when you lose so they prepare themselves for your sore loser fury.

·         You need a stress ball/ punching bag/ personal counselor near you while you’re playing.

·         Your constant profanity led to the creation of a Swear Jar.

·         Your anger gives you migraines.

·         You cry after losing.

·         Your loved ones refuse to get near or even look at you when you pick up the controller.

·         Sharp objects are locked away when you’re about to play.

·         You make frequent visits to anger management classes.

·         You’re forced to play in a room where all of the furniture is plush and non-destructible.

·         In the midst of your warpaths you are shot with a tranquilizer and you wake up in a laboratory.

So what’s the best way to relax? Laugh.

             It’s 2014 and video games are still aggravatingly flawed. Glitches, noobs, trash talk, and indomitable foes aren’t going anywhere. You just have to accept it. People often look ridiculous when they’re absolutely livid, especially when it’s for a stupid reason. You don’t want to make other people happy at your expense. So just laugh it off. If you have to get mad, get mad, but don’t lose your composure. Do whatever it takes as long as it doesn’t involve quitting the game. For the love of all things good and evil do not put the controller down. Don’t even think about it! Rage quitting? What are you, 12 years old? PICK UP THE STICKS AND PLAY, YOU PANSY!

 

 

Get On Up Review

Intro Spiel

            I’ve come to realize that I’m a 50 year old trapped in an 18 year olds body. Last spring when my local library hosted a jazz concert during the city’s annual festival of the arts, I was the only one there in a crowd of 10 who didn’t have an AARP card. That was until my dad and sister came halfway into the show to support and convince me that I wasn’t alone in my interests.

            Get On Up was the only movie I anticipated to see this summer. I knew I was going to see it by myself because most of my friends aren’t James Brown fans and when I asked my dad if he was interested his response was “Redbox.” I was still determined to see this film so I went to the theater and paid my $10.50 (which I will address in an upcoming post) and I sat in the theater which had 8 people all paired up. I was fortunate enough to sit in front of two cackling, elderly African-American women who have probably went to their fair share of James Brown concerts back in the day, which would explain why one of them fell asleep and snored throughout the second half of the movie.

Review

            This film made me feel like I was riding a James Brown themed simulator at Universal Studios, travelling from the 30s to the 70s witnessing the highs and lows of James Brown’s life and career.

            Now I understand where history and english teachers are coming from when they complain about covering a vast curriculum in a short school year. It’s impossible to cover a legend’s triumphs and failures within 2 hours. The best way to handle it is through a miniseries which did well for the Temptations. As a result of all the condensing the film had a fast pacing and a lot of milestones in Brown’s life and career were given brief honorable mentions. A perfect example of this is Brown’s T.A.M.I. performance, a scene that disappointed me because I didn’t think they did the “cape routine” proper justice.  

            My two biggest gripes were the makeup and Boseman’s physique. The makeup in this movie looked cheap, as if it came from the Nutty Professor kit. As for Boseman’s physique James Brown was never a slender guy. He always had a toned stockiness to him and a fatter face. I don’t know how long Boseman had to prep for the role before filming began but he should’ve been put on a workout/diet plan to look the part more.

            So what did I like about the film? Everything else! I loved how the movie was cartoony at times and made sense because James Brown was such a colorful character in real life. I thought the script was great, shoutout to the Butterworths for that. Lastly, I enjoyed the nonlinear plot. It kept things interesting and made me pay close attention to how things ended.

            This movie is great, 4 stars! Big ups to Nelsan Ellis and Chadwick Boseman for yet another fantastic portrayal of an American icon. I really hope he becomes a household name one day. A Michael Jackson cameo would’ve been neat considering his and Brown’s mutual admiration for each other, but I can see why it wasn’t done.

Bottom Line: See this movie!

            This is way off-topic but am I the only one who hopes the Richard Pryor biopic can finally go into production after seeing this movie?  

Purge: Anarchy Review

                In case you were waiting for me to tell you if The Purge: Anarchy is worth seeing in theaters the answer is yes. This movie is so much better than its predecessor. So much so that it’s hard to believe both movies were written and directed by the same guy. This doesn’t mean that the movie was completely flawless. It still had one too many clichés and the dialogue was still clunky at times, but those are minor compared to this major improvement.

                Anarchy follows a rag tag group of strangers and their efforts to make it through the night while being hunt down by menacing mercenaries and a guy named Big Daddy. A significant standout in this film is the inclusion of government conspiracy talk and a rebel army headed by Michael K. Williams doing his best Samuel L. Jackson impression. It’s also worth noting that the black bum from the first film makes a brief cameo.

                What makes this movie better than the first? For starters, the characters are actually likeable and the villains aren’t so cartoony. There’s more gun fights and plenty of intense action scenes that made me jump in my seat with excitement. This is closer to what I imagined a Purge being—strangers dodging maniacs and battling in the streets for a whole night. There’s actually a moral to this story and the ending is decent. It’s refreshing to see a movie’s sequel besting its predecessor. It’s like taking that first bite of a burger and tasting more bun and fixings than meat. But then you take a second bite and that’s when all the meat and everything else comes together to create a sensational experience.

                Studio head pimps have been whoring out movies from the start. If it doesn’t originate from a book, sequels are either rehashes of the original or desperate attempts to make more money. In a time in which Hollywood’s creativity well is running dry it’s easy for sequels to fall in these categories. Here are two steps to avoid that fate. 

Deion’s Steps to a Successful Sequel

1. End the first film with a follow-up – Convince people that a sequel is a continuation of the story rather than a money grab. Anarchy didn’t do this but they used the same conflict and showed how other people respond to it.

2. Expand- Include things that you wanted to do in the beginning but weren’t able to. The Expendables 2 are the most recent example. Sylvester Stallone wanted Chuck Norris in the first movie but he couldn’t commit. When the sequel rolled around, Chuck was on board. Go to greater lengths but don’t nuke the fridge.

                Sequels that are better than the original are rare. Those that are are heralded as classics. Shrek 2, The Godfather Part 2, Star Wars Episode V and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are considered classics. Anarchy is not a classic, but it’s a great date night flick!

#WomanCrushWednesday

     Well it’s Wednesday and you know what that means. For the next 24 hours guys will collectively flood social media sites with pictures of the women of their unearthly desires followed by a caption stating their name, a few love-struck emojis and the ever so popular "#wcw." Personally I see nothing wrong with Woman Crush Wednesdays; I think they’re great. It gives single guys the opportunity to publicly praise and stroke the egos of their favorite object of lust for the week. For men in relationships, it allows them to show off their significant other.
      Some say #wcw was created by men to get them off the hook from going-all out on Valentine’s Day due to weekly appreciation women get throughout the year. Others say #wcw was created for study purposes by a group of psychologists at UCLA. Whoever the creator and whatever the purpose was, there is one undisputed motive behind #wcw—acknowledgement.

      You see, unlike girls who could care less if James Franco sees he’s been selected as their Man Crush Monday, men yearn for the attention of their dream girls. We’re like dogs huddled around a beautiful woman, barking and nudging her hand so that she can see us and give a rewarding pat on the head. The pat on the head in this case is liking the picture and maybe leaving a comment to express her gratitude. The biggest reward is getting a follow back; that is the equivalent of a stomach rub and a satisfying scratch behind the ears.

       Fellas, remember when you were in middle school and you wanted all of your friends to see that you and the prettiest girl knew each other on a personal level. You felt like the Man when you were with your boys and the "It" girl walked by with her friends and she spotted you and went out of her way to say "hi" to you and only you. Your friends were shocked and they looked at you with reverence. The rewards of #wcw are like that except on a far less personal level.

       I’ve posted #wcws before but I’ve never been lucky enough to get a response from any of them. No matter how persistent I am I can’t seem to catch their eye. Even if they have retweeted or liked 50 other guys’ pictures, I came too late. I did have a woman crush follow me on Instagram though, and it was my greatest achievement. I take a screenshot of it and made it my wallpaper. I even enlarged the screenshot, framed it and hung it over my bed. But then one day she unfollowed me and tore my heart to pieces. I didn’t understand what I did to deserve it. I tried asking her, but she ignored me. I even went as far as visiting her at her job and waiting for her on her front porch, but my efforts were unsuccessful. Now I have to stay 50 ft. away from her. Sigh, unrequited love…

      So yeah, Woman Crush Wednesdays: great thing, except when it casues you to be deemed a "stalker," then it sucks.

Current WCW for the 3rd consecutive week- Analicia Chaves,

Woman Crush All Day Everyday- Nicki Minaj.

Purge

            How much kissing up and apologizing do you think occurs during the week leading up to the Big Night?

            The Purge is a 2013 sci-fi thriller based on an incredibly stupid idea. In 2022, crime and unemployment rates are at an all-time low because of one night where from 7a.m. to 7p.m. all crime is legal and the police are off-duty.

            The movie follows your average upper-crust white bread family as they fight to stay alive after a homeless black man enters their home and brings a gang of creepy, murderous American Eagle models to their doorstep. Racism and economic discrimination are prevalent in this film; the first ten or so minutes reveal footage of homeless people being beaten to death and ethnic minorities shooting at each other. The only people “safe” from the carnage are those who can afford state-of-the-art security for their homes and that’s a small demographic.  

            This movie sucked for other reasons besides the idiotic premise and recurring themes. For starters, the writing was horrible.

·         A girl’s father gets into a shootout with her boyfriend and she runs to her boyfriend’s aid.

·         The antagonists’ go-to insult is “swine.”

·         Clichés up the wazoo.

            As far as the acting goes I could’ve seen better performances in a Lifetime movie. The ending is what irks me the most. The black bum saves the day and he leaves the family with a “thank you” as his only reward. A thank you, that’s it. He stuck his neck out for the people who tortured him and debated whether or not they should send him to his lynch mob and a thank you was their only form of gratitude? You’d think a brother could at least get an omelet or some orange juice. No, he just limps out of the house while holding on to his soon to be infected flesh wound at 7 in the morning.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, TAKE THE MAN TO IHOP!

            Here’s what I would do if the Purge was real, I would spend the night at a nice motel and go to bed early. Why am I at a motel? Because too many people know where I live. I would only go out if Jordans are coming out the next day and to raid Gamestop; that place has screwed me over one too many times and a free PlayStation 4 is hard to resist.

            If there’s anything that the Purge teaches us it’s that nobody is safe from the evils of humanity. Well, that’s not entirely true. Puppies and disabled people aren’t necessarily endangered. Who would want to do anything to a puppy other than play with it? And who’s that much of an a-hole to harass disabled people? If you’re out with friends during the Purge and you suggest going to an orphanage for deaf and blind kids so you can yell insults at the deaf kids and tip over the blind kids like cows you’re going to be walking home by yourself.

             You know who would have it the worst during the Purge? Teachers and bosses. They already have targets on their backs as it is. Especially the teachers that don’t raise your grade from a 79 or 89 but rather smirk menacingly and tell you to “try harder next time.” And the bosses that reply to your request of a raise or promotion with snarky sarcasm, they’re better off laying low in the same motel I’m in.

            Despite a crumby movie, its sequel looks promising. From what I see in the trailers it looks like a pretty good film. But then again I said the same thing last year for “The Purge” and here I am.

 

I’ll let you know if “The Purge: Anarchy” is any good. Wish me luck.

Say It Ain't So, LeBron

        This whole thing played out like a chick flick. LeBron is the nice guy who wants nothing more than to raise a family. The problem was he wasn’t able to have kids with his childhood sweetheart, Cleveland. After seven years of trying and one devastating miscarriage in ’07, LeBron grew irritated. He wanted out. So he split up with Cleveland and it was not a good break-up. LeBron was labeled the bad guy by all of Cleveland’s supporters. What hurt the most was the vicious letter Cleveland’s dad wrote and made public. This butt-hurt letter pretty much stated that Cleveland will have kids before LeBron and she doesn’t need that gutless and wicked traitor because she can do bad all by herself. This later proved to be far from the truth.

        So in the summer of 2010, LeBron was on the market and playing the field for the first time in his life. And like any highly desired single guy, LeBron’s public pursuit for Mrs. Right was picked up by a huge TV network and became a reality TV show. That’s right, LeBron became The Bachelor. And he had plenty of women to choose from. New York promised him that he could be a billionaire if he chose her. Alongside New York there was New Jersey, Utah, Chicago, and Houston. Cleveland was anxiously swaying back and forth in the background with her head down and arms behind her back.   

        In comes the sultry South Beach, Miami. With her voluptuous figure, smooth talk and high-heeled stilettos. She was the most enticing. She already had a baby for Dwyane Wade and her wide hips showed that she was ready to bear more.

        It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he chose Miami in the season finale. And after four blissful years LeBron James became the proud father of two Larry O’Brien trophies. But something went wrong late in fourth year. There was trouble in Paradise. After a bad trip in San Antonio, LeBron decided to play the field once again.

       He did a lot of pussyfooting around this summer, but deep down in his heart he knew he had to go back to his hometown girl. Despite the lynch mob that burned his jerseys and slandered his name, he knew there’s no forgetting your first true love.

       Okay all jokes aside, I’m not salty about LeBron leaving. I can’t be mad at him for wanting to bring a championship to Cleveland. Let’s face it, Cleveland sucks. Not just the Cavs but the city as a whole. It’s been sucking for many years now. So LeBron leaving to put on for his city is something that I applaud. It’s not a loud applause; it’s more of a silent golf clap, but still, I’m happy for him. Let’s get this straight—there is no freaking way the Cavs will win it all next year. NO. FREAKING. WAY.  If that happens, all of the Kobe and MJ comparisons need to stop and LeBron must be heralded as the G.O.A.T. Because that is an impressive feat that no legend could’ve done.

       A western Conference team is going to win it all next year. It’s most likely going to be a Spurs repeat but I’m praying OKC pulls through because Lord knows they deserve it. The Overrated Clippers aren’t going anywhere and the Lakers are still wading in a pool of obscurity with their goggles and floaties.

You know what song perfectly describes my feelings toward this? “I Ain’t Mad at Cha” by 2Pac.

Thanks for the memories, LeBron.   

 

 

My Summer Vacation So Far

        Having friends leave for college is like being in a band and seeing everyone go off to solo careers. One or two people might stay but it’s not enough to create a hit record.

        A lot of my friends left because they were crazy enough to start school in the summer. I don’t understand why anybody would make that decision. Sure it gets you a head start on your studies but you would think that after a grueling year of high school you would want more than a few weeks to relax and enjoy yourself before heading back to school. From what I hear these professors are ruthless. They’ll assign a seven page paper before the syllabus is passed out.

       To be fair there isn’t that much to do at home during the summer of your freshman year going into college. Unless you’re an adventurer or a humanitarian, the most you could possibly do is work and spend the remaining time with your family and friends and all of that gets old pretty fast. Maybe it’s just me but it’s not too hard to say goodbye to the people you see on a daily basis. It’s not like you’re never going to see them again; there’s always Thanksgiving. But it’s all about perspective. I didn’t shed a tear at my high school graduation no matter how hard I tried; however, I cried like a baby with my 5^th grade yearbook in my arms after I graduated elementary school. That doesn’t mean I won’t miss high school and all my friends and family; I already do. The thing is I’ve braced myself for this moment and I’m slowly learning to suck it up.

       Like I said, I’ll see most of them again. Even though the band split up there’s always a few reunion performances at popular award shows to look forward to. What I’m looking forward to the most is seeing who in my circle of friends ends up being the Justin Timberlake of the group and who ends up being JC. Did that N’Sync reference get my point across?
       Besides working and hanging out the sports world has also kept me busy. This World Cup has turned me into a soccer fan. After years of watching the NBA get softer, it’s refreshing to see a sport that actually allows contact and aggression. I don’t really have a team other than Haiti who hasn’t made a World Cup appearance since 1974 and I didn’t feel right being a USA fan because I didn’t know any player besides Jozy Altidore and Landon Donovan. I secretly rooted for them but I started doing that when we played Belgium.
      The part that I love most is while I saw the support for Team USA with all the media promos and the popularity on Twitter with the “ibelieve” hashtag, none of the Americans I talked to at work gave a single care about the World Cup. Keep in mind that I work at a grocery store that serves a diverse clientele. Every time I asked if they were keeping up with the World Cup they would chuckle and say “no.” As if to say “Do I look like I watch soccer?”

      I know Americans don’t appreciate soccer but goodness gracious this is pathetic. You know what else was pathetic? Brazil getting spanked by Germany in their hometown. I’m in no position to talk. Not only did I just start paying attention to soccer but my own sports team, the Miami Heat, went out worse than Brazil. Brazil played without Neymar and Silva; Wade, Bron and Bosh were perfectly healthy.