Purge

            How much kissing up and apologizing do you think occurs during the week leading up to the Big Night?

            The Purge is a 2013 sci-fi thriller based on an incredibly stupid idea. In 2022, crime and unemployment rates are at an all-time low because of one night where from 7a.m. to 7p.m. all crime is legal and the police are off-duty.

            The movie follows your average upper-crust white bread family as they fight to stay alive after a homeless black man enters their home and brings a gang of creepy, murderous American Eagle models to their doorstep. Racism and economic discrimination are prevalent in this film; the first ten or so minutes reveal footage of homeless people being beaten to death and ethnic minorities shooting at each other. The only people “safe” from the carnage are those who can afford state-of-the-art security for their homes and that’s a small demographic.  

            This movie sucked for other reasons besides the idiotic premise and recurring themes. For starters, the writing was horrible.

·         A girl’s father gets into a shootout with her boyfriend and she runs to her boyfriend’s aid.

·         The antagonists’ go-to insult is “swine.”

·         Clichés up the wazoo.

            As far as the acting goes I could’ve seen better performances in a Lifetime movie. The ending is what irks me the most. The black bum saves the day and he leaves the family with a “thank you” as his only reward. A thank you, that’s it. He stuck his neck out for the people who tortured him and debated whether or not they should send him to his lynch mob and a thank you was their only form of gratitude? You’d think a brother could at least get an omelet or some orange juice. No, he just limps out of the house while holding on to his soon to be infected flesh wound at 7 in the morning.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE, TAKE THE MAN TO IHOP!

            Here’s what I would do if the Purge was real, I would spend the night at a nice motel and go to bed early. Why am I at a motel? Because too many people know where I live. I would only go out if Jordans are coming out the next day and to raid Gamestop; that place has screwed me over one too many times and a free PlayStation 4 is hard to resist.

            If there’s anything that the Purge teaches us it’s that nobody is safe from the evils of humanity. Well, that’s not entirely true. Puppies and disabled people aren’t necessarily endangered. Who would want to do anything to a puppy other than play with it? And who’s that much of an a-hole to harass disabled people? If you’re out with friends during the Purge and you suggest going to an orphanage for deaf and blind kids so you can yell insults at the deaf kids and tip over the blind kids like cows you’re going to be walking home by yourself.

             You know who would have it the worst during the Purge? Teachers and bosses. They already have targets on their backs as it is. Especially the teachers that don’t raise your grade from a 79 or 89 but rather smirk menacingly and tell you to “try harder next time.” And the bosses that reply to your request of a raise or promotion with snarky sarcasm, they’re better off laying low in the same motel I’m in.

            Despite a crumby movie, its sequel looks promising. From what I see in the trailers it looks like a pretty good film. But then again I said the same thing last year for “The Purge” and here I am.

 

I’ll let you know if “The Purge: Anarchy” is any good. Wish me luck.

Say It Ain't So, LeBron

        This whole thing played out like a chick flick. LeBron is the nice guy who wants nothing more than to raise a family. The problem was he wasn’t able to have kids with his childhood sweetheart, Cleveland. After seven years of trying and one devastating miscarriage in ’07, LeBron grew irritated. He wanted out. So he split up with Cleveland and it was not a good break-up. LeBron was labeled the bad guy by all of Cleveland’s supporters. What hurt the most was the vicious letter Cleveland’s dad wrote and made public. This butt-hurt letter pretty much stated that Cleveland will have kids before LeBron and she doesn’t need that gutless and wicked traitor because she can do bad all by herself. This later proved to be far from the truth.

        So in the summer of 2010, LeBron was on the market and playing the field for the first time in his life. And like any highly desired single guy, LeBron’s public pursuit for Mrs. Right was picked up by a huge TV network and became a reality TV show. That’s right, LeBron became The Bachelor. And he had plenty of women to choose from. New York promised him that he could be a billionaire if he chose her. Alongside New York there was New Jersey, Utah, Chicago, and Houston. Cleveland was anxiously swaying back and forth in the background with her head down and arms behind her back.   

        In comes the sultry South Beach, Miami. With her voluptuous figure, smooth talk and high-heeled stilettos. She was the most enticing. She already had a baby for Dwyane Wade and her wide hips showed that she was ready to bear more.

        It shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he chose Miami in the season finale. And after four blissful years LeBron James became the proud father of two Larry O’Brien trophies. But something went wrong late in fourth year. There was trouble in Paradise. After a bad trip in San Antonio, LeBron decided to play the field once again.

       He did a lot of pussyfooting around this summer, but deep down in his heart he knew he had to go back to his hometown girl. Despite the lynch mob that burned his jerseys and slandered his name, he knew there’s no forgetting your first true love.

       Okay all jokes aside, I’m not salty about LeBron leaving. I can’t be mad at him for wanting to bring a championship to Cleveland. Let’s face it, Cleveland sucks. Not just the Cavs but the city as a whole. It’s been sucking for many years now. So LeBron leaving to put on for his city is something that I applaud. It’s not a loud applause; it’s more of a silent golf clap, but still, I’m happy for him. Let’s get this straight—there is no freaking way the Cavs will win it all next year. NO. FREAKING. WAY.  If that happens, all of the Kobe and MJ comparisons need to stop and LeBron must be heralded as the G.O.A.T. Because that is an impressive feat that no legend could’ve done.

       A western Conference team is going to win it all next year. It’s most likely going to be a Spurs repeat but I’m praying OKC pulls through because Lord knows they deserve it. The Overrated Clippers aren’t going anywhere and the Lakers are still wading in a pool of obscurity with their goggles and floaties.

You know what song perfectly describes my feelings toward this? “I Ain’t Mad at Cha” by 2Pac.

Thanks for the memories, LeBron.   

 

 

My Summer Vacation So Far

        Having friends leave for college is like being in a band and seeing everyone go off to solo careers. One or two people might stay but it’s not enough to create a hit record.

        A lot of my friends left because they were crazy enough to start school in the summer. I don’t understand why anybody would make that decision. Sure it gets you a head start on your studies but you would think that after a grueling year of high school you would want more than a few weeks to relax and enjoy yourself before heading back to school. From what I hear these professors are ruthless. They’ll assign a seven page paper before the syllabus is passed out.

       To be fair there isn’t that much to do at home during the summer of your freshman year going into college. Unless you’re an adventurer or a humanitarian, the most you could possibly do is work and spend the remaining time with your family and friends and all of that gets old pretty fast. Maybe it’s just me but it’s not too hard to say goodbye to the people you see on a daily basis. It’s not like you’re never going to see them again; there’s always Thanksgiving. But it’s all about perspective. I didn’t shed a tear at my high school graduation no matter how hard I tried; however, I cried like a baby with my 5^th grade yearbook in my arms after I graduated elementary school. That doesn’t mean I won’t miss high school and all my friends and family; I already do. The thing is I’ve braced myself for this moment and I’m slowly learning to suck it up.

       Like I said, I’ll see most of them again. Even though the band split up there’s always a few reunion performances at popular award shows to look forward to. What I’m looking forward to the most is seeing who in my circle of friends ends up being the Justin Timberlake of the group and who ends up being JC. Did that N’Sync reference get my point across?
       Besides working and hanging out the sports world has also kept me busy. This World Cup has turned me into a soccer fan. After years of watching the NBA get softer, it’s refreshing to see a sport that actually allows contact and aggression. I don’t really have a team other than Haiti who hasn’t made a World Cup appearance since 1974 and I didn’t feel right being a USA fan because I didn’t know any player besides Jozy Altidore and Landon Donovan. I secretly rooted for them but I started doing that when we played Belgium.
      The part that I love most is while I saw the support for Team USA with all the media promos and the popularity on Twitter with the “ibelieve” hashtag, none of the Americans I talked to at work gave a single care about the World Cup. Keep in mind that I work at a grocery store that serves a diverse clientele. Every time I asked if they were keeping up with the World Cup they would chuckle and say “no.” As if to say “Do I look like I watch soccer?”

      I know Americans don’t appreciate soccer but goodness gracious this is pathetic. You know what else was pathetic? Brazil getting spanked by Germany in their hometown. I’m in no position to talk. Not only did I just start paying attention to soccer but my own sports team, the Miami Heat, went out worse than Brazil. Brazil played without Neymar and Silva; Wade, Bron and Bosh were perfectly healthy.

Legal

         So far I'm not experiencing any novelty with turning 18. I didn't really turn up unless you consider going to a ratchet Wendy's with your friend and getting a medium Frosty when you asked for a small "getting live." A majority of my day was spent with running errands. To be honest, I did have a graduation/birthday family reunion last week but I couldn’t help but think I was in for a surprise today.
         The biggest fail of the day was when my mom told a bank-teller that she had a surprise for me at the end of the day. Only to find out that she said that to get the lady off her case. And here I was thinking I would see a GTR in my driveway.

        When most people are about to turn 18, they think about the strip club, buying cigarettes, voting or playing the lotto. The first thought that came to my mind was saying goodbye to mandatory lunch breaks after 3 hours at work. From this point on I will have to ask my superiors to "take ten."

        Of course, there are more things that come with being 18 in America:

         I can no longer commit a crime and get a slap on the wrist by the judicial system. Which means I wasted 17 years of my life being a law abiding citizen when I could’ve been getting into fistfights and doing hood rat stuff with my friends.

        I can get romantically involved with grown women which means I can have a sugar mama.

        I could enlist in the army OR I could move out, rent a beach condo in Miami and create the ultimate bachelor pad.

       Am I allowed to go to raves now? It doesn’t matter; you’ll see me at a Chili Cook-Off before you catch me at Ultra.

      There are a lot of windows opened to me now. I probably won’t do half of the things I mentioned but it’s nice to know that I have the option. Fun fact: my little cousin Jeremy, my great-grandfather, Marques Colston, Torry Holt, Zydrunas Ilguskas Marcus Thornton, Brian McKnight, Pete Wentz and Mark Wahlberg are also celebrating their birthdays today. Hopefully their moms put GTRs in their driveways.

Tania Torres, Will You– What? It's Your Birthday? Alright..

Better late than never.
     
          First and foremost, thanks to all who saw my promposal video and wrote encouraging comments on Tania's IG. If you're clueless right now here's the link: http://deisainvil.blogspot.com/2014/05/tania-torres-will-you-go-to-prom-with-me.html

          Unfortunately Tania could not attend my senior prom due to her already made plans to celebrate her birthday weekend. I wasn't mad about it. If anything I was mad at myself for not asking for a rain check. I had the opportunity but I was too caught up in the Heat game. I know, I'm ashamed of myself too. Oh well, I still had a great time at prom

           During the week that the video was released I was faced with a few FAQs:

How did you know about her?  I knew about her through her sister Tammy. I knew about Tammy after seeing her in Lil Wayne's "Mrs. Officer" music video.

How old is she? I have no idea. All I know is her birthday is around May 17th and she's a Taurus.

How do you know she didn't lie to you? She didn't. Look at her IG.

What would you do if she did lie to you? I dunno. Lock myself in the bathroom with a bowl of  Haagen-Dazs and lurk on her pictures with Bobby Vinton's "Mr. Lonely" on repeat. The hell kind of question is that?!

          I hope that video sets the standard for guys asking models through video. There are too many videos out there making these guys look soft. Thanks for all the support! My school year ended so, like always, I will be doing a ton of writing this summer. Stay tuned.

Tania Torres, WIll You Go to Prom with Me?

                  What joy do people get out of asking models to go to prom with them because I was just contemplating whether or not I should ask Tania Torres (not the one from Pit bulls and Parolees) but then I thought to myself “Nah.” Here’s why:

                  When that guy asked Kate Upton to Prom, it was clear to see that he’s wasn’t “The Man” at his school. The headline should’ve been “Prepubescent Nerd Asks America’s Top Model to Prom.” There’s a reason why the captain of his school’s football team didn’t make a video like that—he already had a date!

                  This isn’t Weird Science (1985 John Hughes movie). If I brought Tania to Prom or any social event it’s not going to boost my popularity. The girls at school aren’t going to look at me differently; I’ll still be Mr. GQ no matter what. Ha! I’m kidding… Realistically, I’m probably going to get a ton of stares. Maybe one or two guys will give me dap and a few ballsy douchebags will try to dance with her.

                  But on the other hand having Tania as my prom date would be pretty cool. I mean, c’mon, it’s not everyday that something like that happens.

Oh, what the hell. Tania Torres, will you go to Prom with me?

Waitaminute this isn’t right. Allow me to properly propose:  

That Awkward Moment When You Get People Excited and Disappoint Them All…

            Well this is awkward, huh? Listen, I know I owe you all something but the truth is the video is still in post-production. My editor is a very busy man and he hasn’t been able to finish it. We shot new scenes and had a few scheduling conflicts so I had to push it back. What can I say? That’s life.

            So I might as well tell you who the video is for… Tania Torres. Not the one from Pit bulls and Parolees, I’m asking the model who lives in Miami. She’s not necessarily a Kate Upton, meaning she doesn’t have a bunch of pictures on Google. You can hit up her Instagram—itstaniatorres. She has an older sister, Tammy, who is a lot more popular. You can look her up, too—tammy_torres. While you’re at it, feel free to follow me—a_noied_livnias. As you can see they’re both beautiful; we could have a discussion about which one we prefer but we’ll save that for the comment section.

            Believe me, I’m probably more bummed about this than you. What makes me even more disappointed is the fact that the point behind this video is meaningless now. The deadline for bringing non-student guests to my prom has passed and guests cannot be over 20 years old. Yeah, supposedly that rule is enacted to prevent +21 year old from coming to prom and giving under-aged kids booze. Because we all know that teenagers are super sober Prohibitionists, right? I’m not going to say anymore on this because the feds are watching, and by feds I mean my school’s administrators.

            Just know that my expired promposal is 90% done and you will see it eventually. In the meantime, my next post is about nudes so stay tuned for that. It should be up within the next 24 hours.